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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents spend little free time with their children today. Why is this? Who do you think this affects more, parents or children?

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Some
parents
Use synonyms
 spend little free
time
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 with their
children
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 today. Why is
this
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?
Who
Correct pronoun usage
Whom
show examples
 do you think
this
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 affects more,
parents
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 or
children
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? In today’s rapidly evolving world, some argue that
parents
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 spend little quality
time
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 with their
children
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. I firmly believe that overuse of screens and financial problems are the primary drivers of
this
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 issue, which has a more negative impact on
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children’s
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lives
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 than
parents
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. One major contributing for a decline in
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time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
parents
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 spend with their
children
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 is that modern lifestyles
compelled
Wrong verb form
compel
show examples
 them to work long hours to tackle their economic hardship, which has left them with limited opportunities and less energy to spend quality
time
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 with their
children
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,
consequently
Linking Words
 leading to serious challenges in
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children’s
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lives
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. Another major reason is that
parents
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 spend excessive
time
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 on screens
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 limits their
time
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 to participate in various activities, particularly communicating with their offspring.
As a result
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,
children
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 prefer spending
time
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 with friends
instead
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 of interacting
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
parents
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.
For instance
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, in developing countries
such
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 as Iran, financial problems have forced people to work excessive hours
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 reduced their family interactions, resulting in poor family ties and social problems
such
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 as an increased drug abuse level among young generations.
Hence
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,
such
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 reasons play an indispensable role in reducing
Use synonyms
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 that
parent
Correct subject-verb agreement
parents
show examples
 spend with their
children
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.
This
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 issue brings about detrimental consequences to
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children’s
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lives
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 because
parents
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 contribute significantly to shaping
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children’s
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 outlook on life, developing their essential skills and preparing them for future
lives
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. Thereby, a lack of sufficient and effective communication between
children
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 and
parents
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 can pose a threat to
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children’s
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 personal and professional development.
For example
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,
children
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 who spend less
time
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 with their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 often face a wide range of challenges in
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 context
mainly
Punctuation problem
, mainly
show examples
 because they suffer from poor communication, problem-solving and critical thinking skills
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 hinder their development in various aspects of life.
Thus
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,
this
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 issue heavily affects
children
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 rather than
parents
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.
To sum up
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, from my perspective, overreliance on social media and economic challenges play a significant role in reducing meaningful
time
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 that
parents
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 can spend with their
children
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, which
yield
Correct subject-verb agreement
yields
show examples
 detrimental outcomes in
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children’s
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 personal and social
lives
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly in each body paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Make your main idea clear at the start of each paragraph.
task response
Use examples with a bit more detail to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly with simple clear words.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too broad or not fully explained.
task response
You answer the question and give your opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, body, and ending.
task response
You use a relevant example to support your view.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs follow a logical order.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Parental involvement
  • Work-life balance
  • Screen time
  • Societal norms
  • Neglect
  • Guilt
  • Milestones
  • Family bonding
  • Quality time
  • Effective parenting
  • Familial connections
  • Dedicated family time
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