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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that spending a lot of money on birthdays and marriages celebrations is a waste of money but others think that it is important to the young people and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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People
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 believe that birthday
celebrations
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 and marriage parties are throw the
money
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,
while
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 others think that the new generation gives significant meaning to
this
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celebration
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.
This
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 essay will briefly discuss both views and
also
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 agree that celebrating these moments is part of significant
memories
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 in
life
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.
To begin
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, there are some perspectives that spending too much
money
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 on
party
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celebrations
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,
such
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 as birthdays, marriages, or engagements, is a waste of
money
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 and time.
This
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 is because many of them believe that
money
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 used on these
celebrations
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 could be used for other scenarios or future plans,
such
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 as trips
,
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or
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 investments.
Also
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, many of them justify
this
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 argument, explaining that the
party
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 is to satisfy other
people
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 and not their own interests.
For example
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, at a wedding
party
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, the couple have to spend a lot of
money
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 trying to attend the guessing and trying to create a nice and comfortable environment for everyone, which puts a lot of pressure and stress on the couple.
On the other hand
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, sometimes the
celebration
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 of important moments through parties is celebrated with happiness as a new chapter in
life
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.
This
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 is getting pretty popular in
this
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 new generation, where everything is captured through photos as part of their
memories
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.
This
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 mindset is not about how much
money
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 the
people
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 are using for the
celebration
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, the idea is to enjoy and share a memorable moment with friends, family and important
people
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 around them.
For instance
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, creating a birthday
party
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celebration
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 is thankful for one year of
life
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, it creates
memories
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 and captures moments. I believe that these small
celebrations
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 are important and significant
,
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;
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 it is the moment of feeling important and sharing it with family. In conclusion,
although
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 many
people
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 believe that spending
money
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 on parties or birthday
celebrations
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 is not worth it,
As
Fix capitalization
as
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 a young person i believe
that
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is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
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 the way of collecting
memories
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 and
shared
Replace the word
sharing
 with important
people
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 in
life
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.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Give one clear idea for each side and explain it more.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from start to end. Keep the same view in all parts.
task response
Use examples that are easy and real. One strong example is better than two short ones.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. Use simple words like first, also, however, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check each sentence. Some parts are hard to follow, so make them shorter and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Then add one or two support sentences for it.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
task response
You used examples about weddings and birthdays to support ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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