IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work till older age to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or a negative development.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
In
this
Linking Words
 modern society, increasing life expectancy in many countries
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
show examples
 a question about how elderly people can pay for their
retirement
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some individuals believe that
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 to work at a younger
age
Use synonyms
 is the best option to prepare
Use synonyms
retirement
Change preposition
for retirement
show examples
saving
Replace the word
savings
, others argue it may affects youngster education and prefer to stay working in a longer period. I believe that entering
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 work industry is far more beneficial, as
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation can develop financial
literacy
Use synonyms
 and start to invest in profitable investment products.
Firtsly
Correct your spelling
Firstly
, one of the
most
Correct word choice
main
show examples
 benefits for young individuals starting employment is that it can open
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial
literacy
Use synonyms
 among youth. Working environment may teach them how to manage their incomes and expenses, as it allows them to observe their coworkers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 struggle to fulfil basic
necessity
Check wording
necessities
show examples
. Developing relationships among
staffs
Check wording
staff
show examples
 will
also
Linking Words
 exert a positive influence
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
 financial methods, which is essential to open their eyes to allocate budget for savings and expenses.
For example
Linking Words
, my experience of working as
freelancer
Correct article usage
a freelancer
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 campus
encounter
Wrong verb form
introduced
show examples
 me with senior accountant, later she shared a valuable method about 70
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
show examples
 and 30 rules for managing income carefully.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, after acquiring some financial
literacy
Use synonyms
,
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 industry
Linking Words
also may
Correct word order
may also
show examples
 introduce youngster about investment products at
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
age
Use synonyms
, which is a smart method for building financial security in the future without
getting worry
Wrong verb form
worrying
show examples
 about a considerable expense,
such
Linking Words
 as health treatment.
A wider
Correct determiner usage
Wider
show examples
 relationships give various opportunities for
youngster
Check wording
youngsters
show examples
 to learn
Linking Words
such
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
important
literacy
Use synonyms
 from friends or coworkers,
thus
Linking Words
 they can learn how to start
invest
Wrong verb form
investing
show examples
 as
beginner
Correct article usage
a beginner
show examples
, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 collecting
retirement
Use synonyms
 funds profitable as the money grows gradually by itself.
Thus
Linking Words
, they are able to retire at
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
age
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as 40 or 45 years, which
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 them opportunities to enjoy life more.
To sum up
Linking Words
, starting employment at
younger
Correct article usage
a younger
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 can develop our financial
literacy
Use synonyms
 by encountering
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
coworkers who can teach us about income,
expense
Check wording
expenses
show examples
, and
saving
Replace the word
savings
 in profitable shares.
Therefore
Linking Words
, individuals can prepare
Use synonyms
retirement
Change preposition
for their retirement
show examples
 period with
security financial
Replace the word
secure finances
,
even can
Correct word order
and can even
show examples
 start
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
early
retirement
Use synonyms
time
Check wording
apply
show examples
to enjoy life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly why this idea is good, and also show why the other side is less good.
task response
Add one clear idea about a bad side, such as less time for school or rest, then explain why the good side is still stronger.
task response
Use more exact support for your ideas. Your example is personal and helpful, but one more real and clear example would make your answer stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a clearer order. Start each body part with one main point, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some links are good, but a few sentences are long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects clearly to the one before it. This will make your writing easier to read.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea about money and saving.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: