IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Q:Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones ,while others disagree.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Mobiles
Replace the word
Mobile
phones
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 are currently one
the
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of the
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 most used technological devices around the world
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the use of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 has been recently increasing. Every house, business, or school owns at least one mobile phone to enable communication and
performing
Wrong verb form
perform
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 daily personal or business tasks in
much
Correct article usage
a much
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 easier and faster way.
Although
Linking Words
 there are opinions by some parents
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are nowadays uncontrollable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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children
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 should
be
Verb problem
apply
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stay away from
these
Correct pronoun usage
them
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, I strongly believe that it has to be a part of
children
Use synonyms
's lives to help their growth in certain
manners
Check wording
ways
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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 my statment behind. First of all, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 lead to support careers
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
education
Correct article usage
the education
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 of
children
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, one device can have multiple applications and
accesses
Replace the word
access
 to highly interactive Internet platforms which are beneficial for teaching and
encouriging
Correct your spelling
encouraging
 studies,
researches
Replace the word
research
, and personal development of students.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
children
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 are able to encounter a lot of webpages, educational platforms, podcasts, and videos to learn about their areas
to
Correct word choice
and
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 expand their knowledge. It is a fact that mobile
phones
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 increase the performance of students and
range
Correct article usage
the range
show examples
 of information on different topics and subjects they are interested in.
On the other hand
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, mobile
phones
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 are the easiest way to access the Internet, and so
to
Use the right word
too
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 harmful contents.
For instance
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, many parents are afraid
of
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apply
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that their
beloved
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loved
 ones can be easily exposed to dangerous websites which may include sexual
contents
Check wording
content
show examples
, terrorism, horror, or false information.
Hence
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,
children
Use synonyms
's attitude can change toward
public
Correct article usage
the public
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they can take example of what they see or listen to in their future,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leaves us insecured environment and
crime rate growth
Correct word order
a growth in crime rate
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. In conclusion, mobile
phones
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 have positive and negative effects on
children
Use synonyms
. I strongly think that
children
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 have to access mobile
phones
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 to educate themselves under parental control. It can
be
Correct word order
also not be
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also
Linking Words
 not forgotten that governments can tackle
with
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the
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 bad sides of digital
contents
Check wording
content
show examples
 to clear and adjust
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
show examples
 for all citizens.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Now your view is much stronger than the other side.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from start to end, and keep the same line in all body parts.
task response
Add one more clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more clearly. At times, the jump from one sentence to the next is too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph balance. The first body paragraph is more developed than the second in some parts.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, which helps the reader.
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