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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. However, other believes that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both the views and give your ownopinion.

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Some people argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 can
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 very well about how to become
nice
Correct article usage
a nice
show examples
 person
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
society
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others think that school is the best choice to acquire valuable moral values. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that schools are well
equiped
Correct your spelling
equipped
 with
equipement
Correct your spelling
equipment
 and teachers to teach
children
Use synonyms
 about successful members of
society
Use synonyms
. On one side of the argument, some people think that
parents
Use synonyms
 can influence their
offsprins
Check wording
offspring's
show examples
 personality well at home.
This
Linking Words
 is because
parents
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 much of their time with them. They can
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them
real life
Correct your spelling
real-life
 experiences.
However
Linking Words
, they can
instills
Wrong verb form
instil
show examples
 strong values in them about how to become good individuals and contribute to
society
Use synonyms
. They can influence their personality by giving examples of famous personalities. Indeed,
children
Use synonyms
 behave in the same way as their
parents
Use synonyms
 act in front of them.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent study in Pakistan
,
Verb problem
found that
show examples
 no one can influence their
child
Check wording
child's
show examples
 behaviour in a good way as their
parents
Use synonyms
 can. Despite the above side of the arguments, I believe that educational
instituations
Replace the word
institutions
 are better for the cognitive development of
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they have trained teachers who are
specialized
Change the spelling
specialised
show examples
 in the field. They have years of experience
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 nature. They can motivate them
about how
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to help strangers in difficult times.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they can play a crucial role in polishing their trait that
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in schools, they
organize
Change the spelling
organise
show examples
 events about how to grow and put
your
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 efforts
for
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the better development of
society
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views are commonly held, but
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that schools are the best place for
children
Use synonyms
 to
taught
Verb problem
be taught
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
some moral values.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about parents and schools, but the parents side is shorter and less clear.
task response
Give a clearer opinion and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Add one more clear example for each side. This will make your ideas stronger and more real.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea at the start of each body paragraph very clear.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and for example, but do not use too many.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Some sentences are hard to follow, so put one idea in one sentence.
task response
You answer both views and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples and reasons to support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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