IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Research shows that some activities are good for health and others are bad. Despite knowing that, millions of people engage in unhealthy activities. What is the cause of this ? What can be done ?

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In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years, several experiments have been done by scientists around the world that some
activities
Use synonyms
 are beneficial and others are deficient for human health
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 these have been published on TV channels and social media platforms.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 is known
for anyone
Change preposition
to everyone
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, most
people
Use synonyms
 continue to do these dangerous
activities
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the causes of
this
Linking Words
 and what actions can be taken to resolve
this
Linking Words
. First of all, these unhealthy
activities
Use synonyms
 give most adults stress, anxiety and different kinds of illnesses.
For instance
Linking Words
, smoking a lot could cause lung cancer or even breathing problems. Most adults know that smoking is so dangerous
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they keep doing
that
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 because they do not care enough
for
Change preposition
about
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 their health
or
Punctuation problem
, or
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 they believe smoking could lessen the stress of daily life.
In addition
Linking Words
, most individuals do not
do
Verb problem
apply
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exercise regularly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they often eat fatty foods which are hazardous for digestion system. In my opinion, to reduce the harmful effects of unhealthy
activities
Use synonyms
, some precautions can be taken by the authorities.
For example
Linking Words
, the governments could educate
people
Use synonyms
 about the harmful effects of these
activities
Use synonyms
 to the human body
or
Punctuation problem
, or
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 some
tv
Capitalize the proper name
TV
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 commercials
which talks
Correct subject-verb agreement
that talk
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 about
this
Linking Words
 issue could be designed.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, smoking in public places and access to alcohol could be limited. In conclusion, most
people
Use synonyms
realize
Change the spelling
realise
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 that some habits are not effective for their health,
they
Correct word choice
but they
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could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 stop doing their habits
due to
Linking Words
 personal preferences or stress
of
Change preposition
in
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 work life. I believe
this
Linking Words
 problem could be reduced by doing some regulations in public places and educating
people
Use synonyms
 about the importance of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 life.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say why people do bad things for health, but you need more than one clear cause and more detail.
task response
Give clearer ideas on what can be done. Explain how each action can help people change.
task response
Use more specific examples. Your smoking example is good, but you can add one more real and clear example.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body paragraph. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph focus. The sentence about stress and illness does not clearly support the main point of that paragraph.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction shows the topic and your conclusion is clear.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic link words like first of all, for instance, in addition, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • coping mechanisms
  • peer pressure
  • cultural norms
  • addiction
  • accessible and affordable
  • negative consequences
  • public knowledge
  • mental health professionals
  • support groups
  • community resources
  • stricter regulations
  • subsidize
  • work-life balance
  • personalized interventions
What to do next:
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