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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people prefer to live in hot climate,whereas others love the lifestyle in countries with cold climate .discuss both the views and give your opinion

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In contemporary society, a growing number of individuals grapple with a highly thought-provoking issue about why young
people
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 choose to
change
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 their
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 after
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 years and whether it is a positive or negative
development
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.
This
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 essay will conduct a multi-dimensional analysis and
then
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 draw a well-thought-out conclusion. There are a significant number of principal causes underpinning
this
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 phenomenon, among which the most prominent one is
rooted in their
Correct word choice
that
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 if young individuals cannot find suitable occupations, their
career
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development
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 will be limited.
This
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 stems from the fact that these young
people
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 have insufficient promotion opportunities
due to
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 more intense competition in contemporary society, and they cannot learn advanced knowledge and professional skills in their current position. A representative example is that a great number of young generation who have a
bachelor
Check wording
bachelor's
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 degree put their first
job
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 as
a
Correct article usage
an
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 internship practice, and after obtaining a master's degree, they will choose a better
job
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 with
higher
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a higher
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 salary and brighter
prospect
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prospects
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. In
this
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 scenario, it is evident that young
people
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 choose to
change
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 their
Use synonyms
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 after
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 years can be identified as the primary direct factor contributing to
this
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 phenomenon. There are two benefits that young
people
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change
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 their
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jobs
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jobs,
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 both of which warrant
further
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 attention. The primary point is that if young
people
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 try to experience different
jobs
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, it will
be
Verb problem
apply
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exert a positive effect on their individual abilities and professional skills. The underlying reason is that young
people
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 who
exposed
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are exposed
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different
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to different
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 positions can acquire advanced knowledge and
kinds of
Correct word choice
various
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 skills compared to
single
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a single
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 and stable
job
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,
while
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 they
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also can
Correct word order
can also
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 broaden their horizons for future direction, which will trigger a practical impact on their future
development
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. A compelling example is that young
people
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 who have
diverse
Correct article usage
a diverse
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 range of work experiences are likely to be
favored
Change the spelling
favoured
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 by HR, especially in
extremely
Correct article usage
an extremely
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 competitive environment.
Hence
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, it is indisputable that young
people
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try to experience
Wrong verb form
trying
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 different
jobs
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 can be regarded as a well-considered option from the perspective of promoting individual
development
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.
In addition
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, another distinct advantage
that
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of
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 young
people
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change their
Wrong verb form
changing
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jobs
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 is worthy of emphasis. To elaborate, it is undeniable that changing
jobs
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 is beneficial for young
people
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 to find their dream
job
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, which is more interesting and satisfying to them. It is mainly attributed that
early
Correct article usage
an early
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job
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 allows young
people
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 to better understand their interests, strengths and long-term
career
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 goals, which can help young
people
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 make rational and informed
career
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 decisions. An illuminating example is that many young employees gradually discover their passion for a specific industry,
such
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 as technology or finance, after trying several different positions, which helps them settle into a
job
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 that offers greater
job
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 satisfaction and motivation.
Thus
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, it is obvious that changing
jobs
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 in the early stage of one’s
career
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 can be seen as a well-conceived initiative in terms of achieving long-term
career
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 stability and personal interests. In conclusion, after performing a meticulous evaluation of fundamental causes and advantages / disadvantages, I firmly adhere to the notion that insufficient promotion opportunities can be regarded as the main reason, which will significantly exert two positive effects
,
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:
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 individual
development
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 and personal interests.

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task response
Write about the right topic. The task asks about hot climate and cold climate, but your essay writes about young people changing jobs.
task response
Discuss both sides clearly. Write one main idea for hot climate and one main idea for cold climate before you give your opinion.
task response
Give your opinion on the same topic in every part of the essay, not on a different issue.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Make them shorter and link ideas in a simple way.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea many times. Add one clear reason and one simple example for each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You try to explain your ideas and give examples in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'In addition' and 'Thus' to connect ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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