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Band 6

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

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These days, secondary schools focus too much on the formal format of learning.
Although
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 it might make
students
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 more serious and focused on studies, I strongly believe that playfulness makes scholars more interested and engaged in the process of learning. It is very important for children to combine playing with studying because it reduces concern and stress pupils experience at
academy
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school
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,
as a result
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improves
Wrong verb form
improving
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 their academic
performance
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. The playful learning encourages
students
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 to be more engaged and interested during discussions. By making the learning less strict, scholars become more relaxed,
as a result
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, they engage in class activities more actively and demonstrate interest.
For instance
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, when my teacher gave us real examples of using fractions ( a topic in mathematics) in 5th grade, I remember how the process became more understandable, and I started solving
such
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 problems almost every day.
Therefore
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, I am convinced that
this
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 format increases engagement of pupils at educational institutions
due to
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 its effect. In the same way, it makes the
school
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 environment less stressful and anxious.
This
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 is because
students
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 feel the vibe that they feel when they play games, their behaviour at
school
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 becomes calmer,
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consequently
Punctuation problem
consequently,
show examples
 stress and anxiety at
school
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 disappear, preventing the panic from negatively affecting their
performance
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. When we watched a video of youtuber who explained the development of Osman Empire in a funny way, my classmates and I started laughing and were less worried about the hard questions.
However
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, for some
reason
Add a comma
reason,
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 we could answer all questions despite their level.
This
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 evidence suggests that
such
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 methods can reduce
students
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' anxiety and improve their
performance
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. Ultimately, even though formal learning might make
students
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 more focused on studies , a playful format improves the academic
performance
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 of scholars. I strongly believe that it is very important for children to play
as well as
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 learn
due to
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 the fact that it reduces anxiety and stress and increases engagement at
school
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say your view clearly, but you can explain a little more why schools use formal learning and why play should be part of class.
task response
Make your main ideas more clear. Some ideas are repeated, like stress and interest. Try to add one new point in each body paragraph.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and simple. Your examples help, but they feel very personal. Add examples that show school life in a more general way too.
coherence and cohesion
Link some sentences more smoothly. At times, ideas jump too fast. Use clear linking words like first, also, because, and so.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear topic in each paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check long sentences. Some are hard to follow. Shorter sentences can make your meaning more clear.
task response
You answer both questions and give a clear opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, and this helps the reader understand your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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