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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION AND IN COMPUTER GAMES HAS A DAMAGING EFFECT ON THE COCIETY. OTHERS DENY THAT THESE FACTORS HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOUR. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ?

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Violence
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 in television programmes and computer
games
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 has become a common concern in modern
society
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. Some
people
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 argue that
such
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 content encourages harmful
behaviour
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,
while
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 others believe it has little real influence on how
people
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 act. In my opinion, violent media can have a negative effect, especially on young
people
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,
although
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 it is not the only cause of
violence
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 in
society
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. On the one hand, it is understandable why some
people
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 deny a direct link between violent entertainment and real-life
behaviour
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. Millions of
people
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 watch action films or play violent
games
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 without becoming aggressive or criminal. In many cases, these forms of entertainment are simply used for relaxation, excitement, or social interaction.
Moreover
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,
behaviour
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 is usually shaped by deeper factors,
such
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 as family background, education, poverty, and mental health.
Therefore
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, it would be unfair to blame television and video
games
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 alone for social
violence
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.
On the other hand
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, repeated exposure to violent images may gradually affect attitudes, particularly among children and teenagers. Young
people
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 are still developing their understanding of right and wrong, so they may become less sensitive to aggression if they regularly see it presented as exciting or acceptable.
For example
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, a child who constantly plays
games
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 in which problems are solved through fighting may begin to view
violence
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 as a normal response to conflict.
Furthermore
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, violent content can increase fear and anxiety, making
society
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 feel less safe. In conclusion, violent television and computer
games
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 are not the sole reason for aggressive
behaviour
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, but they can contribute to it when consumed excessively or without guidance. I believe
society
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 should not ban
such
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 content completely, but parents and governments should control children’s access to it and promote healthier forms of entertainment.

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task response
For task response, your opinion is clear, but you can make it stronger in each body part.
task response
For task response, add one more real and clear example to support your ideas.
task response
For task response, explain a little more why some people think media has no effect.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay is easy to follow, but you can link ideas with a few more simple words like 'also' and 'because'.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some main ideas can be developed more fully before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, keep one clear central idea in each paragraph and extend it with support.
task response
For task response, you answered both sides and gave your own opinion clearly.
task response
For task response, your ideas are relevant to the question all the way through.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the order of ideas is logical and easy to understand.
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