IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

These days more people put their personal information, such as names, addresses and telephone numbers, online for everyday activities such as socialising on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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With the rapid growth of digital technology, people increasingly share personal
information
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 online for activities
such
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 as online banking, shopping, and social networking.
Although
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this
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 trend offers greater convenience and faster access to services, I believe it is largely a negative development because it exposes
individuals
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 to serious privacy and security risks. One major disadvantage is the growing threat of cybercrime. Personal
information
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 stored online can be targeted by hackers, leading to identity theft, financial fraud, or unauthorised access to bank accounts. Cybercriminals often use stolen
information
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 to make fraudulent transactions or impersonate victims for illegal activities. Even well-established organisations have experienced
data
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 breaches, demonstrating that no online system is completely secure.
As a result
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,
individuals
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 may suffer significant financial losses
as well as
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 emotional distress. Another concern is the loss of personal privacy. Many websites and mobile applications collect large amounts of user
data
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, including browsing habits, purchasing behaviour, and location history.
This
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information
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 may be shared with third parties for advertising or commercial purposes without users fully understanding how their
data
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 will be used.
Furthermore
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, oversharing personal details on social media can expose people to online scams, harassment, or even physical security risks if sensitive
information
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 falls into the wrong hands. Admittedly, storing personal
information
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 online has several advantages. It allows users to access banking services, communicate instantly with others, and complete transactions quickly without visiting physical offices.
However
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, these benefits should not outweigh the importance of protecting personal
data
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.
Individuals
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 should use strong passwords, enable two-factor authentication, and avoid sharing unnecessary personal
information
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 online to reduce potential risks. In conclusion,
although
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 sharing personal
information
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 online has made daily life more convenient, I believe it is predominantly a negative development because it increases the risk of cybercrime and threatens individual privacy. As technology continues to evolve, protecting personal
information
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 should remain a priority for both governments and
individuals
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.

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task response
For task response: add one more real or clear example to make your ideas stronger.
task response
For task response: your opinion is clear, but you can explain one point a bit more deeply.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay is easy to follow, but you can use a few more linking words like 'for example' or 'because of this' in body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: some long sentences can be cut into two shorter ones for even better flow.
task response
For task response: you answer the question fully and keep the same clear opinion all the way.
task response
For task response: your main ideas are relevant and well developed.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: each paragraph has one main focus, so the essay is well organised.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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