IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. To what extent do you agree with this?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Get started →
Happiness
Use synonyms
 is a fundamental aspect of human
life
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some individuals believe that
money
Use synonyms
 plays the most significant role in promoting
happiness
Use synonyms
, from my point of view,
Inspite of
Change preposition
despite
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 can improve
people
Use synonyms
’s quality of
life
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct word choice
but it
show examples
 is not essential for
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, strong relationships and good
health
Use synonyms
 are among the most important contributors to
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Firs
Correct your spelling
First
 and
foremost
Punctuation problem
foremost,
show examples
 it is certainly possible to be happy without a large amount of
money
Use synonyms
. One reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that
happiness
Use synonyms
 often comes from emotional satisfaction rather than material possessions. For
instance
Change preposition
For instance
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 who spend time with their loved ones and enjoy meaningful experiences tend to feel happier regardless of their financial situation.
In addition
Linking Words
, excessive wealth does not necessarily guarantee a happy
life
Use synonyms
, as rich
people
Use synonyms
 may still experience stress,
lonely
Replace the word
loneliness
, or personal problems. There are several other factors that contribute to
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, healthy relationships with family members and friends play a crucial role in
people
Use synonyms
’s emotional well-being. Having supportive
people
Use synonyms
 around provides individuals with a sense of belonging and security.
Secondly
Linking Words
, good physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
 is another essential factor.
People
Use synonyms
 who are healthy are generally more capable of enjoying daily activities and overcoming challenges.
For example
Linking Words
, someone suffering from serious
health
Use synonyms
 problems may find it difficult to appreciate material wealth In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 can make
life
Use synonyms
 more comfortable,
people
Use synonyms
 can still be happy without being rich. In my opinion,
happiness
Use synonyms
 depends largely on non-material factors, particularly strong personal relationships and good
health
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more directly in the first paragraph. Say clearly how much you agree.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body paragraph, then explain it fully.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Check linking words and sentence order. Some parts stop and start too suddenly.
task response
Fix small grammar and word form problems because they make some ideas less clear.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Your main ideas about health and relationships are relevant to the topic.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: