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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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People
Use synonyms
 have different views about how older
people
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 educate
children
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 to become valuable citizens.
While
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 some argue that it would be better for
children
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 to be disciplined by their
parents
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, I believe that
children
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 should be educated
how
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on how
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 to become respectable/decent citizens at
school
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. There are various reasons why
people
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 believe that
parents
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 should teach their
children
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 to adopt/develop/build up good manners.
Firstly
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,
children
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 are prone to listen to their
parents
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 who are powerful in families.
For example
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,
children
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 might worry about wrong actions, which leads to their making a decision as to whether they should commit/display
such
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behaviour
Correct article usage
a behaviour
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 pattern if they have ever been punished by their
parents
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 before.
Secondly
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,
children
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 have a close relationship with their
parents
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 whom they always count on whenever they meet toughs in their life.
Children
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,
therefore
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, may pour their concern easily into
parent's heart
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parents' hearts
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 so
parents
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 are able to give advice
timely
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in a timely
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, which
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manner, which
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 is one of the most important factors to deter
children
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 from becoming perverse.
Finally
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, not only do
parents
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 bring their
children
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 rights verbally, but
also
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 their life
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 can have profound influences on their
children
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 because
children
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 tend to imitate
actions
Correct article usage
the actions
show examples
 of older
people
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. In spite of these arguments, I hold the perception that/I am inclined to argue that schooling would play an essential role in the formation of
children
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's characters. Except for homes,
school
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 is the place
children
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 spend the biggest amount of time.
Thus
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, teachers are likely to be second
parents
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 to instruct
children
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 in being aware of the rights and the wrongs in every walk of life. Admittedly, teachers can be stricter with
children
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 than
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parents
Punctuation problem
parents,
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 given that
parents
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 usually spoil their
children
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 excessively. Under
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this circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
these circumstances
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, educating in
school
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 is the best solution to build a good personality
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
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.
Moreover
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,
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school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 environment will enable
children
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 to either find out their abilities or their desires by attending some recreational physical activities or studying specific subjects;
this
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 is beneficial to
children
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 in becoming well-rounded individuals in the future. In conclusion, apart from being primarily responsible for educating
children
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,
parents
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,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 schools
also
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 prevent
children
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 from the misguided frame of mind to be productive
people
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 in society.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. Your essay gives more detail for school than for parents.
task response
Give a clearer own view from the start and keep it the same all through the essay.
task response
Use one or two simple and real examples to support your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make some ideas easier to follow. A few sentences are too long or not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some parts sound forced.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each sentence and each part of the body paragraph.
task response
You discuss both views and you give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on the main topic.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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