IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Sending criminals to prison is not an effective method of dealing with them. Education and job training should be used instead. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

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Crime
Use synonyms
 penalties have become a major public concern in the world.
While
Linking Words
 a significant number of people believe that prisons ensure effective methods when it comes to cracking down on
crime
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, I strongly believe that proper
education
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 and training provide better solutions to decrease
crime
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 rates and rehabilitate
criminals
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 because when these methods allow
criminals
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 to become well-behaved citizens for their
sorroundings
Correct your spelling
surroundings
. On the one hand,
education
Use synonyms
 plays a crucial role in developing
behaviours
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 that are essential for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 society where
criminals
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 no longer exist.
This
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 is because
offenders
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 don't have a clear understanding of what is good and bad
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of
education
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.
As a result
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,
offenders
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, supported by comprehensive
education
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, can acquire significant abilities, which lead to altering their
behaviours
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 and minds in a positive way.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent studies show that exposure to complete
education
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under
Change preposition
during
show examples
 their time in prison,
criminals
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'
behaviours
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 change completely, enabling them to provide an opportunity to
socilise
Correct your spelling
socialise
 and
being a
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 good citizens because professionals can touch their lives and understand their problems
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are the great impediments
of
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to
show examples
 being normal individuals.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can fix
criminals
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' issues through
education
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.
On the other hand
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, training has a great impact on
offenders
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' lives, which can improve their skills. The reason is that
offenders
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 don't have any occupation, leading them to commit
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of sufficient income.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can obtain a profession through
this
Linking Words
 training, and they can work at a job after their rehabilitation process, which prevent from committing thanks to generating income. To illustrate,
offenders
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 who gain a new profession in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
prison can easily adapt their new lives after a long time passed in the cell, and they demonstrate higher performance than others who do not attend training
sesions
Correct your spelling
sessions
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it shows that there is a strong link between training and a reduction in
crime
Use synonyms
 rates because it provides an opportunity
to
Change preposition
for lawbreakers to
show examples
 lawbreakers make money. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some people believe that prisons have a great effect on fighting against
crime
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, I firmly believe that comprehensive
education
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 and proper training can deter criminal behaviour because they enable
offenders
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 to shape their
behaviours
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 and minds and ensure a profession which allows them to receive income.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. You say you strongly agree, but you should explain a little more why prison is less effective.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Start each paragraph with one simple point, then explain it.
task response
Your examples are relevant, but they are too general. Add one more clear and real example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Make them shorter so the reader can understand your ideas more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some links are good, but a few sentences feel too long or not well connected.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep this position to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
Both body paragraphs stay on the main topic of education and job training.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Rehabilitation
  • Recidivism
  • Reintegration
  • Vocational training
  • Incarceration
  • Deterrent
  • Correctional facilities
  • Reformative justice
  • Social reentry
  • Ex-offender
  • Criminal justice system
  • Restorative practices
  • Penal system
  • Social marginalization
What to do next:
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