IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A successful sports professional can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays,
sports
Use synonyms
 have been the entertainment industry since the old age. Many
sports
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 professionals have huge
amounts
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 of
money
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 given
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their clubs, the
Use synonyms
money
Check wording
amount of money
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 depends on how famous they are.
However
Linking Words
, some groups of
people
Use synonyms
 have opinions that
sports
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 aren’t worth more
money
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 than other important professions.
This
Linking Words
 essay will illustrate both sides,
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 believe it’s justified and
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 believe that it’s not.
To begin
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 with,
sports
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 have very famous athletes who attract millions of fans around the world.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 helps their companies and their
sports
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 clubs earn a large amount of
money
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 by selling tickets, sponsorships, and advertisements.
Moreover
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, many
people
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 believe that
sports
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 professionals deserve high salaries because they contribute greatly to the
sports
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 industry.
For instance
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, famous football players can earn large
amounts
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 of cash for their football club and sponsors, which is the reason why they are paid large
amounts
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 of
money
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.
Although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 other important professions don't earn huge
amounts
Use synonyms
 of
money
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 as much as some famous
sports
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 players.
For instance
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,
fire fighters
Correct your spelling
firefighters
 who risked their lives to save citizens. Even so, they still earned less
money
Use synonyms
 than some of those tennis players. Some
people
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 might think that it’s not fair that
risking life
Replace the word
risky
 jobs have lower returns than the entertainment industry does.
This
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 could lead
people
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 to put less emphasis on those important jobs.
For example
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, mental health therapists have lower pay
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 with
this
Linking Words
 less paid
money
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, large numbers of
people
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 wouldn’t like to do
this
Linking Words
 job
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 many patients may have to rely on mental health therapy to help them. In conclusion, from my perspective,
sports
Use synonyms
 professionals deserve high salaries because they drive massive revenue.
However
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, I
also
Linking Words
 believe that
people
Use synonyms
 in important professions
such
Linking Words
 as healthcare, education, and emergency services should receive better pay for their valuable contributions to society.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. The first side is a bit stronger than the second side.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the middle too, not only in the end.
task response
Give one more clear example for the unfair side to make that part stronger.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are too general. Explain how and why in a more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are not used well. For example, 'Although' should join with another idea, not start a full point alone.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word order. Use shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and support it step by step.
task response
You discuss both views and give your opinion, so you answer the task.
task response
You use examples like football players, fire fighters, and therapists to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction shows the topic clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear and matches your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a good order.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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