IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give reasons for this problem and offer solutions to fix this health issue

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Get started →
Child
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 a massive health problem that affects people around the world. Several
children
Use synonyms
 struggle with
this
Linking Words
 situation.
This
Linking Words
 essay will determine
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 for
child
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 and suggest some solutions to fix
this
Linking Words
 situation. On the one hand, there are many reasons that create
child
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 today eat very unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
. They snack on sugary
food
Use synonyms
everyday
Rephrase
every day
show examples
. They
also
Linking Words
 drink sodas and drinks that include
many
Correct determiner usage
a lot of
show examples
 sugar
..
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Second,
Linking Words
many school
cafeteria
Fix the agreement mistake
cafeterias
show examples
 provide junk
food
Use synonyms
 for students.
For example
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can cause problems for
children
Use synonyms
 eating junk
food
Use synonyms
 often.
Instead
Linking Words
, school cafeteria meals should be healthy for students.
In addition
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can stay active
everyday
Rephrase
every day
show examples
. Working out daily can be helpful for burning calories.
Children
Use synonyms
 should drink more water and stay hydrated
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 it keeps them healthy.
However
Linking Words
, on the one hand, exercising or working out daily is a significant way to prevent
Use synonyms
child
Replace the word
childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 should have a limited
time
Use synonyms
 using their devices,
such
Linking Words
 as phones, laptops, and televisions.
Instead
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, they should go for a walk or play sports
such
Linking Words
 as soccer, basketball, or volleyball.
Second,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 should have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to sleep.
For example
Linking Words
, parents should encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to go
bed
Change preposition
to bed
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
time
Use synonyms
. Many
children
Use synonyms
 stay up late at night.
This
Linking Words
 can cause them
starving
Wrong verb form
to starve
show examples
, which leads them
having
Change preposition
to
show examples
 unhealthy snacks. In conclusion,
child
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
 is a serious problem that affects many people. Eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of junk
food
Use synonyms
, staying active and hydrated,
encouraging
Correct word choice
and encouraging
show examples
 parents to have
bed
Correct your spelling
bedtime
time
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
 can avoid
children
Use synonyms
 being overweight.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more clearly: give reasons and solutions in separate clear parts.
task response
Use ideas that match the question only. Some lines tell solutions in the reasons part.
task response
Add one clear example for each main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph have one main job only.
coherence and cohesion
Use better linking words. Do not say 'On the one hand' two times here.
coherence and cohesion
Check order inside sentences so your meaning is easy to follow.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, and this helps the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: