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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graph below shows fast food consumption among men and women in 2015

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he
Correct determiner usage
The
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 bar chart outlines the amount of fast food consumed among
males
Use synonyms
 and females in 2015.Units are measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 in young
age
Use synonyms
 depicted the highest
proportion
Use synonyms
 of daily
calories
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the smallest
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
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 of fast food ate retired
people
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 in the 35-49 and 50-64
age
Use synonyms
 groups were the same. In detail,
males
Use synonyms
 in the 18-34
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 used the highest percentage of daily
calories
Use synonyms
, accounting for 17%.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of daily used
calories
Use synonyms
 by woman were dramatically less than the
calories
Use synonyms
 used colories by men in the 18-34
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, at 16%.Turning to retired
people
Use synonyms
 (65+),
males
Use synonyms
depicted a
Verb problem
accounted
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proportion
Use synonyms
 for 4%,
while
Linking Words
 women accounted for almost the same
proportion
Use synonyms
for
Punctuation problem
, for
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 3%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the much more constant
proportion
Use synonyms
 was in the 35-49 and 50-64
age
Use synonyms
 groups,
while
Linking Words
 the 35-49
group
Use synonyms
 was a little higher than the other groups.Regarding the 35-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
,
males
Use synonyms
 used for 10% colories,
while
Linking Words
 daily
calories
Use synonyms
 used by women were less than the
proportion
Use synonyms
 for men, accounting for 9%.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the percentage for
males
Use synonyms
 in the 50-64
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 was for 9%,
while
Linking Words
 the
proportion
Use synonyms
 for females was approximately the same, accounting for 8.5%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words males, people, age, proportion, calories, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "depicted" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 7 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph
  • fast food consumption
  • men
  • women
  • 2015
  • compare
  • contrast
  • differences
  • reasons
  • solutions
  • excessive
  • address
  • issue
  • recap
  • final thought
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