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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?

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Some
people
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 argue that
arts
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,
such
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 as paintings and
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music
Punctuation problem
music,
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 are a waste of
money
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 and the
government
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 should spend
this
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money
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 on other public services. To what extent do you agree or disagree with
this
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 statement ?
Entertainment
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such
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 as
arts
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 and
music
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 is an integral part of today's community. As
such
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it
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, it
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 is important for the
government
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 to pay attention to
this
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 sector,
as well as
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 leveraging on other public services . In
this
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 essay, I somewhat disagree with
this
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 statement , and I will be discussing two reasons why I think investing in these is so important and definitely not futile. My reasons are
,
Correct word choice
that
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 it's an income generation mechanism and promotion of togetherness, the
entertainment
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 industry , which encompasses
arts
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,
music
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 and so on, is
such
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 an important part of society
as
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, as
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this
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 could lead to income generation for individuals and the
government
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.
For instance
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, investing in art exhibitions, showcasing curations, bringing
people
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 together, organising
music
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 shows and festivals, not only generates wealth,
it
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but it
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also
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 promotes togetherness. Recently, a
music
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 carnival featuring
arts
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such
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 as paintings was held in the city
area
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apply
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of Edinburgh. It was
such
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 a beautiful sight to behold, as
this
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 brought different
people
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 from various
works
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walks
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 of life. Tickets were sold out , and
this
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 generated lots of income for organisers and the
people
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,
thus
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 attracting investors to venture into
entertainment
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 like
this
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. Looking at how
this
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 brings happiness and generates wealth, I would disagree that
,
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apply
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 the
government
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 investing
on
Change preposition
in
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this
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,
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apply
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 would be a waste of funds.
However
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,
while
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 the
government
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 can still spend funds on other public businesses,
arts
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 and
music
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 should not be considered a
futility
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futility,
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 as it has these advantages that would lead to the brighter side of promoting the economy.
To conclude
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, in my opinion, I disagree
,
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apply
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 that it will be a total waste of
money
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 for goverment to spend their
money
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 on
arts
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 and
music
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,
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;
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 rather, the
people
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 and goverment should see
this
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,
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apply
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 as an opportunity to grow the economy through
this
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 means of
entertainment
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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. Say clearly if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Add one more main idea to fully support your answer. Now, both body parts mostly talk about one area: money and social value.
task response
Explain your example more simply and directly. Show exactly how art helps the public and why this matters for government spending.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer paragraph focus. Start each body paragraph with one main point, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'First', 'Also', 'For example', and 'So'. Some long sentences now feel hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid too many commas and very long sentences. Shorter sentences will make your ideas easier to read.
task response
You answer the topic and give a clear side: you mostly disagree with the idea.
task response
You use a real style example about a music event in Edinburgh to support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas generally move in a logical order from opinion to reasons to example to ending.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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