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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries recently young single people have been living far from their parents,from the time they began studies or work and until they are married.Do you think there are more advantages or disadvantages to this trend?

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In many
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countries
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countries,
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 recently young single
people
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 have been living far from their
parents
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, from the time they began studies or work and until they are married. Do you think there are more advantages or disadvantages to
this
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 trend? In today’s rapidly evolving world, young single
people
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 increasingly prefer living far from their
parents
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 to
study
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 or work and when they get married
in
Punctuation problem
, in
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 many
countries
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.
While
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this
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 tendency may weaken
people
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’s relationships, it can provide excellent opportunities for young
people
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 to develop their essential life
skills
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.
Therefore
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, the advantages of
this
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 trend can outweigh the drawbacks. One of the main advantages of living far from
parents
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 is that it enables individuals to develop their essential
skills
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 independently, making them more
resilience
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resilient
,
confidence
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confident
, and
independence
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independent
, resulting in fostering personal and professional development.
In addition
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,
through these
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over the
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 years, young
people
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 are equipped with real-life experience, which contributes significantly to broadening their horizons
while
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 improving their critical thinking, problem-solving, and decision-making.
For instance
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, students who immigrate to other
countries
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 to
study
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 often gain valuable experiences, develop a better understanding of various cultures, promote their creativity, and become more responsible compared with students who
study
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 in their hometown. Ultimately, they achieve substantial personal and professional development.
Hence
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,
this
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 approach can act as a catalyst for young
people
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 to gain valuable experiences and develop their cognitive
skills
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.
However
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, living far from
parents
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 may create serious problems, including weakened family bonds and unnecessary financial problems, because young
people
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 when
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study in
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studying
 abroad have
a
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apply
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limited opportunities to communicate face-to-face with their families, exerting emotional pressure on their lives.
Moreover
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, the costs of living can place
additional
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an additional
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 burden and increase the stress of life because they
should
Verb problem
have to
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 spend money more responsibly, which leaves them with
limited
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a limited
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 budget to participate in engaging outdoor activities.
For example
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, students who
study
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 abroad often face emotional challenges
such
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 as stress and depression because when they
entrance to
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enter
 new
countries
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, they find it difficult to make new friends and socialise with others, resulting in a strong sense of loneliness and excessive emotional pressures.
Thus
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, living far from
parents
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 can result in emotional and financial challenges
which
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, which
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 make life difficult for young
people
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.
To sum up
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,
although
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 living far from
parents
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 may lead to economic hardship, poor family ties, and emotional issues, from my perspective, it can be a unique opportunity for young
people
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 to deepen their understanding of various cultures
while
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 improving their essential
skills
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such
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 as critical thinking and communication.
Therefore
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, the benefits of
this
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 approach can outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
Make your main answer more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that the advantages are greater, and keep this same idea all through the essay.
task response
Explain your ideas a little more simply and clearly. Some lines are hard to follow because too many ideas are put in one sentence.
task response
Your examples are relevant, but they are a bit general. Add one more clear and specific detail to make them stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part structure, which is good. Keep one main idea in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter sentences more often. This will make links between ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is not smooth because of grammar problems. Use simple linkers like 'first', 'also', 'for example', and 'however' carefully.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion that advantages are stronger.
task response
You discuss both sides, which helps make the response complete.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Topic sentences are clear, and each paragraph has a main focus.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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