IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Movies and computer games containing violence are popular. Some people say they have a negative effect on society and should be censored. Others say they are just harmless relaxation. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Movies
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 and digital
games
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 containing
violations
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violence
show examples
 are common. There is a debate about the need for applying censoration on them because of their negative effects on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Some people
ay
Correct your spelling
say
 that they should be censored
while
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othes
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others
 are against
this
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 view. I personally completely agree that any online
games
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 or
movies
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 should have certain
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
 to protect the community.
This
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 essay will discuss both
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 and provide relevant examples.
Firstly
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, some people argue that
movies
Use synonyms
 and computer
games
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 containing
violations
Check wording
violence
show examples
 should be
ceased
Verb problem
censored
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 because of their potential risks on community.
Although
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 most of the audiences who attend these
these
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apply
show examples
movies
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 or play
vedio
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video
games
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 are teenagers, yet they might include
prohibeted
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prohibited
 sections or clips
such
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 as
using
Replace the word
the use
 of drugs and weapons
Punctuation problem
. In
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in
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addition
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addition,
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 they do not have any age restrictions or
parents
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parental
 notifications.
As a result
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 statestics show a significant annual increase in
number
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the number
show examples
 of crimes between those ages.
This
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 example
illustrate
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illustrates
show examples
 why some people insist on the need to censor
such
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 records and electronic
games
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.
On the other hand
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, other individuals find that these
games
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 are
kind
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a kind
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 of
entertainments
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entertainment
show examples
 and do not have any potential negative effects on
community
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the community
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 that require urgent action
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as censoration. They believe that these records are just short clips used for relaxation and do not have violations.
To sum up
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, I
totaly
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totally
 agree with the first view that
call
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calls
show examples
 for applying
censorations
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censorship
show examples
 on
movies
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 and computer
games
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, especially if they are open access and
has
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have
show examples
 no
any
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apply
show examples
age restrictions.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the second side is too short.
task response
Give clearer main ideas in each body part, then add one or two simple supporting points.
task response
Use a real or clear example to support each side, not only one general claim.
coherence and cohesion
Make linking easier to follow. Use simple words like First, However, For example, As a result, In sum.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one idea in one sentence when possible. Some sentences are too long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph balance. The first body part is much fuller than the second one.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear intro and a clear end.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the start.
task response
The essay stays on the topic all the way.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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