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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In
this
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 era, advertising and public relation has become a powerful tool for promoting products and services. Some
people
Use synonyms
 claim that it is highly effective in encouraging
people
Use synonyms
 to purchase goods and services,
while
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 the tactics for these promotions are seen everywhere, so we wouldn’t need to pay attention to them anymore. From my point of view, I partially agree with both views, because both opinions are relevant in real-world situations.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, advertising strongly influences
people
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 to get purchase for a lot of unnecessary products, and
people
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 are moving towards excessive consumerism.
For instance
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, advertising everywhere and extremely nudges
people
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, persuading them directly or indirectly.
As a result
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,
people
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 are more likely to purchase without thinking too much
whether
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about whether
show examples
 the product is suitable or not.
Furthermore
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, it is appearing almost everywhere across digital platforms
such
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 as online shopping websites and apps, self-service machines, delivery services, public spaces, and traditional media.
Additionally
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, celebrity endorsement is
also
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 a powerful form of advertisement, and it is a kind of mental shortcut that makes
people
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 more likely to trust a product and make a quick decision even in uncertain times. It is unable to completely avoid the effect of advertisements today.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
although
Linking Words
 advertisements are almost everywhere,
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 can help
people
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 to compare different products and research which one is the best option for their needs.
People
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 should use the information
that is
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 provided in advertisements as an opportunity
instead
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 of making excessive purchases before buying the advertised items.
For example
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,
people
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 who are
aging
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ageing
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 may neglect the advertising for teenagers.
In addition
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,
people
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 would not be interested
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 advertisement with specific language.
Body paragraph 3
In conclusion, even though advertising is extremely effective, we could reduce unnecessary purchases by applying a
personalized
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personalised
show examples
 strategy. Creative advertising could encourage
people
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 towards excessive consumerism, but extensive and repetitive advertising tends to be overlooked.
Conclusion
The correct amount of repetition is in order, but too much is disturbing
people
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 and tends towards
neglectable
Replace the word
neglect
.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, make your own view clearer. Say which view is stronger for most people, and explain why.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. In the first body paragraph, explain how ads lead to a real buying choice. In the second, explain why people stop noticing repeated ads.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. For example, describe a person who buys a phone after seeing a famous person use it, or a person who skips the same online ad many times.
task response
Some ideas do not answer the second view closely. Comparing products is useful, but it does not clearly show that people no longer pay attention to ads. Focus more on ad tiredness, repeated messages, and people who block or ignore ads.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body paragraphs, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link between each sentence easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Give each paragraph one main job. The first paragraph should only show why ads work. The second should only show why many ads are ignored. Put your own view in the end of each paragraph or in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: 'First', 'For example', 'As a result', 'However', and 'Therefore'. Do not use many links if the next idea is not closely connected.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to understand, such as 'advertising everywhere and extremely nudges people' and 'tends towards neglectable'. Write shorter sentences with one clear idea.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence is separate from the conclusion. Either remove it or add it before the final sentence and explain how the right amount of repeated ads can work.
task response
You cover both sides of the question and state your own view in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Your point about famous people in ads is relevant and helps show why ads can affect buying.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and has a logical order: first the power of ads, then the limits of ads.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful links, such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For instance', and 'In conclusion'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
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