IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people in society believe that having fixed punishment for all crimes is a more efficient way of dealing with criminals in the justice system. What are the advantages and disadvantages of having a fixed punishment system?

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As it is enunciated,
crime
Use synonyms
 has become
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 global concern. As it is expressed by a proportion,
poverty
Use synonyms
 is the hardest provocation behind
crimes
Use synonyms
. Drawing on a dialectic view and a qualitative
meta synthetic
Correct your spelling
meta-synthetic
 approach, I would pen how
this
Linking Words
 apprehension always triggers many
polarized
Change the spelling
polarised
show examples
 views. A section of society holds a belief that
poverty
Use synonyms
 is the most powerful enticement for the burgeoning growth of
crimes
Use synonyms
 because economically
underprivilege
Replace the word
underprivileged
 communities are prone to criminal
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 unbearable social and economic pressure.
However
Linking Words
, from my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 tends to result in biased interpretations. There are social, biological, psychological, cultural and political causes as profound provocation for
crimes
Use synonyms
. Poor welfare states and disparities between
rich
Correct article usage
the rich
show examples
 and
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 have
further
Linking Words
 excluded disadvantaged
groups
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can
also
Linking Words
 occur alongside a rampant level of cultural exclusion, as
especially
Rephrase
apply
show examples
contemporary consumer capitalism has placed a high premium on
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 level of consumption and material successes which egregiously
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 a feeling of deprivation for less successful
groups
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 may
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
crimes
Use synonyms
. It is undeniable that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 lower-class youth
Use synonyms
group
Check wording
groups
show examples
 can not aspire to
cultural
Correct article usage
the cultural
show examples
 goals of elite
groups
Use synonyms
, so frustrated and underprivilege
group
Use synonyms
 viciously
inflict
Verb problem
resort
show examples
 to
group
Use synonyms
violence
Use synonyms
 and
territory
Replace the word
territorial
violence
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some people are
victimized
Change the spelling
victimised
show examples
 by
marginalization
Change the spelling
marginalisation
show examples
, which may be social, cultural and political.
Such
Linking Words
Use synonyms
group
Correct article usage
a group
show examples
 exist on the
peripheral
Replace the word
periphery
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society without political representation
may
Correct word choice
and may
show examples
 commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 and
violence
Use synonyms
. It is unquestionable that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 a sense of pride and hegemonic masculinity can generate criminal behavior particularly
violence
Use synonyms
 against women. It is not a fallacy to claim that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 biological and religious influences
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 generate
crimes
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is apparent that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 people are not affected by
poverty
Use synonyms
, but by inequality. In relation to
crime
Use synonyms
, the widening
consumption of
Check wording
apply
show examples
gap between affluent and
poverty
Use synonyms
- driven
groups
Use synonyms
 may be the cause of
crime
Use synonyms
. Traditionally, people pay more attention to the
inequal
Correct your spelling
unequal
 distribution of resources than
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 amount of benefits gained.
Worring
Use the right word
Worrying
show examples
 about
economical
Replace the word
economic
, political and social inequalities rather than
poverty
Use synonyms
 itself.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there are poor correlation between
poverty
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
crimes
Check wording
crime
show examples
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it is reasonable
to conclude
Linking Words
 that
poverty
Use synonyms
 alone cannot be considered the sole cause of
crime
Use synonyms
. Rather, a combination of cultural exclusion, poor welfare, marginalization and unequal distribution contributes significantly to criminal
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.

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task response
Score: 4. The essay does not answer the question. The question asks about the good and bad points of fixed punishment for all crimes. Your essay is about poverty and crime. Read the question again and make sure every main point answers it.
task response
For this question, write about good points such as equal treatment, clear rules, and faster court work. Then write about bad points such as different crimes, different people, and cases where a fixed rule may be too hard or too soft.
task response
Use clear examples about punishment. For example, a fixed fine for small theft may be simple, but the same jail time for two very different cases may not be fair.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Your paragraphs are in a clear order, but the first paragraph is hard to follow. It has many long and unclear phrases. Start with a direct answer to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Do not put social, cultural, biological, religious, and political causes all in one long part unless you explain each one.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links only when they fit. For example: “One advantage is...”, “Another advantage is...”, “On the other hand...”, and “In conclusion...”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not connect well. For example, “Traditionally, people pay more attention...” comes late and feels separate from the ideas before it. Explain why it is there, or remove it.
task response
You have a clear main view: poverty is not the only cause of crime.
task response
You give more than one cause, such as unfairness, social exclusion, and lack of help from the state.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, body parts, and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “Therefore”, and “To sum up” to show the flow of ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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