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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that schools should teach children how to manage money. Others think this is the responsibility of parents. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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There is an ongoing debate over whether schools or
families
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 should assume the responsibility of teaching children
money
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management
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the perspective of both views and explain why I believe
families
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 should account for their children’s
money
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management
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. Some people claim that learning
money
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management
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 at
school
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 more effective. Since students tend to obey teachers’ instructions better, they might be more willing to learn.
Moreover
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, when a child learns with the whole class at
school
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, they might be more obedient and motivated since all peers are doing the same thing.
For example
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, when one’s friends in class
does
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do
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 a better job in managing their
money
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, he or she might work harder to compete with his or her peers.
Nonetheless
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, I believe it is more appropriate to regard the teaching responsibility as a part of domestic chores. Every family has different financial conditions and values, and their child should establish a suitable
money
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management
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 concept aligning with
his or hers
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their
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 family. Those with better financial situations do not use their
money
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the
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in the
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way same
Correct word order
same way
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 as those
inferior
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with inferior
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.
Correct pronoun usage
ones.
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This
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 might cause the universal
money
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management
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 methods taught by
school
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 to be impractical and unrealistic, as different
families
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 follow different
principle
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principles
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.
For instance
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, if a kid was raised in an economically-disadvantaged family, his family might be unable to afford the approach to spend or save
money
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 that the
school
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 taught.
To conclude
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,
while
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school
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 teaching
money
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management
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 boosts the efficiency and motivates pupils better, I deem
money
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management
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 to be a responsibility that
families
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 should take on, tailoring the
manage
Replace the word
management
 approach to their own financial condition.

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task response
Explain the school side more fully. Say what schools can teach, such as saving, planning, and safe use of money. Then explain why this may help all children.
task response
Make your own view more exact. Parents can teach daily money use, but schools can still give basic lessons. This makes your answer more fair and strong.
task response
Some ideas need clearer support. For example, say why one school plan may not work for all homes, and give one simple real-life case.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. In the first body part, focus on why school helps. In the second, focus on why parents help more.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler, clearer sentences. For example, change “learning money management at school are more effective” to “Learning about money at school is more effective.”
coherence and cohesion
Use words in a clear way. “Domestic chores” does not mean teaching children at home. Use “a family duty” or “parents’ job” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Check word links and forms. For example: “his or her family”, “the same way”, “different principles”, and “a way to manage money”.
task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view: parents should teach money use.
task response
Your examples match your main ideas, such as class friends and families with less money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words, such as “Moreover”, “Nonetheless”, “For example”, and “To conclude”.
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