IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Experts say if the old people spend time and get along with others and excercise everyday will be healthier and happier. However, many elderly are suffering from loneliness and lack of fitness. Discuss the cause and solution

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Elder
people
Use synonyms
 are suffering from loneliness and health weakness
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
scinece
Correct your spelling
science
 says that if they spend
time
Use synonyms
 with
people
Use synonyms
 around
them
Punctuation problem
them,
show examples
 they will be much happier and healthier .The
mine
Correct word choice
main
show examples
 cause of
this
Linking Words
 problem is
individuals
Correct word choice
that individuals
show examples
 around
elder
Replace the word
elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are busy with their own
lives
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the most
vaiable
Correct your spelling
viable
 solution is
try
Verb problem
to try
show examples
 to provide some
time
Use synonyms
 for them. The main cause of
this
Linking Words
ponomenon
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 is
Use synonyms
people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
 are busy with buliding their own
lives
Use synonyms
. Since young
people
Use synonyms
 are working and
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to support themselves
financialy
Correct your spelling
financially
 and
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to take
are
Use the right word
care
show examples
 of their own health and spend some
time
Use synonyms
intertainning
Correct your spelling
entertaining
 themselves,they mostly cannot find
time
Use synonyms
 to spend it on their
elders
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in South korea
people
Use synonyms
 there are working
nearlly
Correct your spelling
nearly
 all
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
day
onlly
Correct your spelling
only
 to provide the
isancial
Correct your spelling
financial
 things.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
that
Punctuation problem
that,
show examples
 their
elders
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mostly spend their days watching TV alone. The
Most meaingful
Correct your spelling
most meaningful
 solution for
this
Linking Words
 is
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 spend some of the
hours
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 spend
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on their phones with their
elders
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 young
people
Use synonyms
 are busy with
buliding
Correct your spelling
building
 their
lives
Use synonyms
, they still spend specific
hours
Use synonyms
 on social media without
relayzing
Correct your spelling
realising
 it.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 they can take some
that
Fix the agreement mistake
of those
show examples
hours
Use synonyms
 and spend
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 with their
olders
Replace the word
older
 and both sides will be much happier.
For instance
Linking Words
, many Saudi young
people
Use synonyms
 are
vaulluing
Correct your spelling
valuing
 the
time
Use synonyms
 with
elders
Use synonyms
 for religine reason
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
 they balance their
time
Use synonyms
 and prefer
spend
Verb problem
to spend
show examples
 their free
hours
Use synonyms
 with their
people
Use synonyms
insteade
Correct your spelling
instead
 of
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 it on their phones. The result of that
,
Verb problem
is
show examples
 much happier families and socitey include their
elders
Use synonyms
. In
conclusion
Punctuation problem
conclusion,
show examples
 the major cause of
ths
Correct your spelling
this
 problem younger
people
Use synonyms
 are busy with their own
lives
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
moste vaiable
Correct your spelling
most viable
 solution for it is
try
Verb problem
to try
show examples
 to spend some
thime
Correct your spelling
time
 that
people
Use synonyms
 spend
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on their phones.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Score: 5. Your ideas are clear, but they are too narrow. You mainly say that young people are busy. Add one more cause, such as old people living alone, poor transport, or no local groups.
Task response
Give more than one solution. Family time is a good idea, but add help from towns or groups, such as free walks, sports groups, or places where old people can meet.
Task response
Explain the link to fitness more. Say how walking, group exercise, or daily activity can make old people stronger and less lonely.
Task response
Some examples are not fully clear. Make each example short and show exactly how it proves your point.
Coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Your paragraph plan is good, but many lines are too long. Use shorter sentences so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic lines at the start of each main part. For example: “One main cause is that family members have little free time.” Then explain it.
Coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea too much, such as “building their lives” and “spend time with elders”. Use a new point or explain the result in a new way.
Coherence and cohesion
Make your ending more complete. Say again that both family help and local help can improve health and reduce loneliness.
Task response
You answer both parts: you give one cause and one solution.
Task response
Your examples from South Korea and Saudi Arabia are linked to your main ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “Since”, “For example”, “Although”, “Therefore”, and “In conclusion”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: