IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It has been noted that many people who had a big impact on the world gave themselves completely to their work and did not bother with the idea of “work-life balance”. To what extent should people try to have a good work-life balance? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
It is believed that many
people
Use synonyms
 have had a big impact on the world. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it has merit rather than demerit for some reasons.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,the main benefit of
this
Linking Words
 issue is that they are able to give plenty of educations by online or offline , so society can obtain it easily,
although
Linking Words
 they weren't at area school.
For example
Linking Words
, they learn by watching videos on their phone , like see video on YouTube. Or they study
by some
Change preposition
apply
show examples
books that are created by leadership about many things.
As a result
Linking Words
, the citizens have extensive knowledge about parental guidance and good academics. There is a doubt that the leadership highly needs to help many societies to tackle the diversity problem.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,there are some drawbacks to
this
Linking Words
 case. First of all, sometimes they will accept criticism from other
people
Use synonyms
 who feel bothered and don't agree with their opinions. It is
Linking Words
due to
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they
also
Linking Words
 have their own perspective that must be reached by them.
For instance
Linking Words
, they are partial poeple that give bad comment so make we not confident to create the latest note. as result , if they are committed to make perception for the public , henceforth the first have to consider
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 order to go against other rules.
furthermore
Linking Words
 they will be a public figure that always known by many folks , so they will be followed by their fans wherever they go . So they will feel uncomfortable ,
such
Linking Words
 as when they are asked to sign by fans
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they are asked to take photos together ,
that make
Correct subject-verb agreement
which makes
show examples
 them spend many times at the street.
therefore
Linking Words
 they must be careful when they say or behave outside the home because it will influence their fame. It is important that if they make a note must be appropriate with norm and values in the place.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is evidence that many
people
Use synonyms
 can enjoy the advantages of the note. In my perspektif if they feel like they have work-life balance, they had better learn from other
people
Use synonyms
 , even though they have much knowledge too.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Score: 4. The question asks how far people should try to have a good work-life balance. Your essay is mostly about people who have an impact on the world, online learning, and being well known. These ideas do not answer the main question. State your view clearly: people should work hard, but they should also have time for family, rest, and health.
Task response
Use two clear main ideas. For example: balance helps people stay healthy and avoid stress; balance also gives time for family and friends. Then explain each idea and give one simple example.
Task response
Your examples are not clear enough. A better example could be: “A doctor may work long hours in an emergency, but after this time, they need rest to do their job well.”
Coherence and cohesion
Score: 4. The order of ideas is hard to follow because the first body paragraph is about education, while the next is about criticism and fans. These points are not linked to work-life balance.
Coherence and cohesion
Make a simple plan: Paragraph 1: answer the question. Paragraph 2: health and better work. Paragraph 3: family and free time. Paragraph 4: short ending with your view.
Coherence and cohesion
Do not use “On the other hand” two times unless you are showing two different sides of the same point. Use simple links: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, and “In the end”.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Each paragraph should have: one main point, an explanation, and an example.
Task response
You give an introduction, main parts, and an ending. You also try to use examples.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has paragraphs and uses link words such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “To sum up”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Well-being
  • Productivity
  • Fulfilling
  • Time management
  • Prioritize
  • Burnout
  • Boundaries
  • Dedication
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Efficiency
What to do next:
Look at other essays: