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Band 4.5

Some people believe that teaching music in schools is a vital part of growing up and the human experience, whilst others believe that teaching music in schools is a waste of time and resources. Discuss both these views and gife your own opinion.

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Nowdays
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Nowadays
, some
people
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 believe that
theacing
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teaching
music
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 in
school
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 is a part of
learing
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learning
 and
make student growing, sometimes
Correct word order
helps students grow. Sometimes,
show examples
students
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 feel boring at class
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 add a
music
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that is
Linking Words
 can make them feel much better. otherside
people
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 believe that
music
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just
Verb problem
is just
show examples
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
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 and not really important to learn. I believe theacing
music
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 in
school
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 is very important and should be
applay
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applied
 in every
school
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.
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this
Capitalize the word
This
show examples
 essay will discuss
boths
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both
 sides of the argument. First of all,
music
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 is not only about
singging
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singing
 and instruments, many
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school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 today already applied musis in their
school
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becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 it is part
growing
Change preposition
of growing
show examples
 up and build the good
exsperience
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experience
.
for
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For example
exsample
Punctuation problem
exsample,
show examples
 some
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school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 in
jakarta
Capitalize the proper name
Jakarta
show examples
 apply
music
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 in
school
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,
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who have talent
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can show up them self, some
people
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singging
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sing
, play
music
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 and others.
they
Capitalize the word
They
show examples
 feel happy because they can
channeling
Wrong verb form
channel
show examples
 their talent to
public
Correct article usage
the public
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.
moreover
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 theacher can send our
students
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 to participate in
competition
Correct article usage
a competition
show examples
.
furthermore
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music
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 can be a good solution for
students
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 in
this
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 era.
other
Correct article usage
The other
show examples
 side
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
music
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 can
bother
Verb problem
take up
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time
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 for
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
school
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subjects
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. in other hand,
people
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 believe that
music
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not
Verb problem
is not
show examples
 really important for
students
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, they just must focus on another subject
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as math or chemistry
leasson
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lessons
,
music
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 just
waste
Correct subject-verb agreement
wastes
show examples
time
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 and
not
Verb problem
does not
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make
Verb problem
help
show examples
students
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growing up
Wrong verb form
grow
show examples
. In my opinion
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,
show examples
this
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 both of side have a good reason depands on
person
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the person
show examples
.
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people
Capitalize the word
People
show examples
 who disagree about
music
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, the have severall reason
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for
Punctuation problem
, for
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 instance, the dont have enough money
and
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, and
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 they just want
focus
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to focus
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 on other
subjects
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 like math. I strongly believe that
music
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 is good to apply in
school
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becausr
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because
students
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 who have talents
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
can show
up them self
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themselves
 because not all
students
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 love
with
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apply
show examples
math
subjects
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. In
conclution
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conclusion
, both of
this
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 side,
while
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 apply
music
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 in
school
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many benefits for
students
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 who have talent, without leaving out other lessons, it is good for
students
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 who want to become
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
,
but
Capitalize the word
But
show examples
 it is becoming
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 if
music
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just
Verb problem
is just
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apply
Wrong verb form
applied
show examples
 in
school
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 forget about other
subjects
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Score: 5. You answer all parts of the question, but your ideas need more detail. Explain more clearly why music helps students grow, for example by helping them feel calm, work with others, or learn new skills.
task response
The view against music is too short. Give a fuller reason: schools may have little money, little time, or may need to focus on key school work. Then explain why you do or do not agree.
task response
Your own view changes a little. You say music is very important in every school, but later you say it can be a waste of time. Make your view clear: music should be taught, but it should not take too much time from other subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Put one clear main idea in each body paragraph. Paragraph 1 can be about why music is useful. Paragraph 2 can be about why some people think it is not useful.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example: “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “However”, and “For this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Use shorter sentences. For example: “Music gives students a way to show their talent. It can also make school more fun.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same point about talent too many times. Add other points, such as stress, team work, and school events.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. Your main idea is clear: music should be taught in school.
task response
You give one example about schools in Jakarta and students who can show their talent.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “First of all”, “moreover”, “for example”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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