IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Teenagers have problems at home and school. What difficulties are they facing now? What should parents and schools do to help them?

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Adolescents confront issues
at
Change preposition
in
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 family life and educational institutions.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the main difficulties teenagers are facing today and suggest how parents and schools can help them overcome these challenges. Nowadays, a significant number of teenagers face considerable pressure in their academic lives. The main reason for
this
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 trend is
an
Correct article usage
the
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 increasing
demands
Check wording
demand
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 for both private and public schools for
students
Use synonyms
. To illustrate, it is observed
developing
Correct word choice
that developing
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 technology and artificial intelligence
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 in the contemporary era leads to contributing to the economy and government affairs. Both private and public education sectors are inclined to put a huge amount of responsibility on
Use synonyms
students;
Punctuation problem
students'
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 shoulders.
Furthermore
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, it is recorded
a
Correct word choice
that a
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few kids are bullied by their
peer
Fix the agreement mistake
peers
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. Sometimes, juveniles are
bullying
Wrong verb form
bullied
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 by older
students
Use synonyms
 at school
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
,
this
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 behaviour
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
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 in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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mental and
psychology problem
Replace the word
psychological problems
 in children.
In
Change preposition
On
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 the other hand,
due to
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encounter
Replace the word
encountering
 these problems, the vast majority of young individuals
prone
Verb problem
are prone
show examples
 to getting help from their loved ones and mentors.
For instance
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, families take their kids to an amusement park and other entertainment places to rejuvenate them.
This
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 activity helps them to alleviate
their
Correct determiner usage
the
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 stress and pressure
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 which they gained in school.
Additionally
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, some education institutes arrange a wide range
games
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of games
show examples
 in schools to motivate and recharge
students
Use synonyms
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 in private sectors.
To sum up
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,
it is clear that
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 teenagers today face significant challenges at school, particularly due to heavy workloads and peer bullying.
Nevertheless
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, these issues can be effectively managed
when
Capitalize the word
When
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 parents and mentors intervene by
organizing
Change the spelling
organising
show examples
 entertaining activities and games to reduce stress and boost student motivation.

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overall score
Score: 5. Your main ideas are clear, but some ideas are not fully explained and some parts do not fit the question well.
task response
Write more about problems at home. Your essay mainly talks about school. For example, some teens may have family fights, little time with parents, or too much pressure at home.
task response
Make the help more direct. A trip to a park can help stress, but parents should also listen, talk, set fair rules, and ask for help when needed.
task response
For schools, say that teachers should stop bullying, talk to both sides, and give students less work when it is too much.
task response
Your example about technology, the economy, and the government is not clear. Keep examples close to teen life at home and school.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body part. Body 1 can be about home and school problems. Body 2 can be about what parents and schools should do.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are used in the wrong way. Use “On the other hand” only when you show a different side. Here, use “To deal with these problems” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make each point follow a simple order: main idea, why it happens, example, and result. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid short parts and line breaks in the middle of an idea. Keep each paragraph together and finish each point before you start a new one.
task response
You answer both parts: the problems and the help from parents and schools.
task response
You give two clear problems: school work pressure and bullying.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, main parts, and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use links such as “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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