IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people suggest that setting up more gyms will encourage people to remain active. What problems are associated with this proposal? What solutions can you offer for good health?

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Sports are a crucial part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our lives
,
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;
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 there are many types of sports,
each
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and each
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 player has
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 own experience. Having multiple gyms around us is one of the main reasons which helps us commit to practice. On
one
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the one
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 hand,
people
Use synonyms
 need to be motivated to practice. When the
sport center
Correct your spelling
sports centre
 is extremely near
to eaither
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either
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 work or home,
this
Linking Words
 will help them to never skip a class.
For instance
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, I am an athlete
and
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, and
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 one of the main reasons that I am committed to my schedule is that I have many options of
centers
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centres
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 around me and close to my house. Especially
that
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since
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 I live in a very hot climate city
so
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apply
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,
the
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so the
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 distance is crucial.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having a lot of clubs near
to
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apply
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each other will create a huge competition between the clubs. In that way, some will need to shut down their businesses, and that will lead to economic collapse because
,
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apply
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 employees will lose their jobs
so
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, so
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 they will not feel safe and will
be
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apply
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always look for better opportunities in order to survive life. In my opinion, I feel that the competition between the companies is the most significant factor. It
is
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apply
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even
effect
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affects
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 the
people
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 positively. In that way, they will offer extremely reasonable prices, flexible schedules,
24/7
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and 24/7
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 opening
time
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times
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.
Finally
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, when
people
Use synonyms
 see
Linking Words
this
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these
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 offers around them,
this
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 will help to remain active. Other brands will be
effected
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affected
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 as well, healthy food restaurants are targeting those gyms, since we have many gym
branches
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branches,
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then
Linking Words
 we will have many healthy restaurants. And that will reflect on
people
Use synonyms
 positively and force them into a healthy lifestyle.

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task response
Estimated score: 5. You answer both parts, but the problems part needs more development. You mainly give one problem: too many gyms may cause some to close. Add another clear problem, such as high costs, empty gyms, or people who still do not have time.
task response
Your answer asks for solutions for good health, not only for more gyms. Give two or three direct ideas: free walking areas, sport lessons at school or work, safe bike paths, and simple healthy food help.
task response
The last part says that more gyms will bring lower prices and healthy food places. This is more a good result of the plan, not a full solution for good health. Make the solution clear and explain how it helps.
task response
Your example is useful, but it is only about you. Add a more general example, such as people with long work hours or parents with young children.
coherence cohesion
The order of ideas is mostly clear, but your position changes. In paragraph 2, nearby gyms are good. In paragraph 3, they are bad for business. In paragraph 4, competition is good again. State clearly that competition can be both good and bad, then explain each side.
coherence cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, job loss does not always lead to an “economic collapse.” Use a smaller, clearer link: “Some workers may lose their jobs, which can hurt local families.”
coherence cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. A strong plan is: Paragraph 1: answer the question. Paragraph 2: problems. Paragraph 3: solutions. Paragraph 4: short ending.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repeating “In that way” and “positively.” Use simple links such as “As a result”, “Also”, “However”, and “For this reason”.
task response
You give a clear view: gyms near home or work can help people stay active.
task response
You give an example from your own life. This makes the first main point more real.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “Finally”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial burden
  • Public services
  • Economic disparities
  • Education and awareness campaigns
  • Alternative forms of physical activity
  • Over-reliance
  • facilities
  • underlying reasons
  • motivation
  • affordability barriers
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