IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that boys and girls should attend school together. Others feel that they should be educated separately. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In recent years, there has been a growing debate about whether teaching sport in schools is a waste of
hour
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hours
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 and resources.
While
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 some people believe that including athletics in the school curriculum is unnecessary, others argue that
sports
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 play a vital role in education.
This
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 essay will discuss
both
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 views before presenting my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, many people believe that
students
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 should spend more time on academic subjects.The primary reason is that academic subjects are more important for higher education and future careers.
This
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 can be explained by the fact that
Students
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 have limited time at school, so more time should be spent on mathematics, science, and languages.
For instance
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, many countries introduced modern teaching methods, which have helped
students
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 by improving their academic performance and communication skills.
Consequently
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,
students
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 achieve better academic results and have more career opportunities.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, few argue that
sports
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 play a vital role in
students
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'
overall
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 development. They claim that
sports
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 improve physical health, teamwork, and self-confidence. Regular exercise reduces stress and helps
students
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 maintain a healthy lifestyle. A good example of
this
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 is schools that include regular
sports
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 activities, where
students
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 develop teamwork, leadership, and communication skills.
As a result
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,
students
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 become healthier, more confident, and perform better
both
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 inside and outside the classroom. From my perspective,
sports
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 should remain part of the school curriculum because they support
both
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 physical and mental development
while
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 helping
students
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 build essential life skills.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
although
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both
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 views have their own merits, I believe that
sports
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 should remain an important part of education because they contribute to
students
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' physical health, personal development, and academic success.
Overall
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,
this
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 approach would provide long-term benefits for
both
Use synonyms
 individuals and society.

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task response
This is the main problem: you did not answer the given question. The question is about boys and girls going to school together or going to separate schools. Your essay is about sport at school. Because it is about a different topic, your task response score is very low.
task response
Write about both sides of the real question. Explain why some people want mixed schools, such as helping boys and girls learn to work together. Then explain why others want separate schools, such as fewer worries in class. Give your own view clearly.
task response
Your examples are too general. For example, “many countries introduced modern teaching methods” does not show why sport is needed. Use one clear example that directly supports each main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your order is easy to follow, but some ideas do not fully fit. The point about “modern teaching methods” moves away from the main point about sport. Keep every sentence close to the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, but do not use them only at the start of parts. Show the link between each reason and example more clearly. For example: “This means that...” or “For this reason...”.
coherence and cohesion
Check small spacing and capital letter issues: “subjects.The”, “careers.This”, and “Students” in the middle of a sentence. These small errors can make the writing less smooth.
task response
Your essay has a clear view. You say that sport should stay in school, and you give good reasons: health, mind health, and life skills.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Words such as “Firstly”, “However”, “For instance”, and “To conclude” help the reader follow your ideas.
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