IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Research shows that some activities are good for health and others are bad. Despite knowing that, millions of people engage in unhealthy activities. What are the causes of this? What can be done? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Some studies agree that not all the
activities
Use synonyms
 that
we’r
Correct your spelling
we’re
 doing are good for our
health
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.A
lot
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 of them have a bad effect on our bodies and
health
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.
However
Linking Words
, so many people engage in unhealthy
activities
Use synonyms
 to get
high paid
Correct your spelling
high-paying
 jobs. The most viable solution for that would be to share awareness around the country. Most of the people looking for a job with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 salary, ignoring the effect
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the job itself. Because a
lot
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 of them need to work to gain money.
For example
Linking Words
, there are employees who work at
Cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
show examples
 to evaluate and give their opinions about every film that
published
Verb problem
is published
show examples
.A
lot
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 can be seen
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
as
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
funny
activities
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 to do
while
Linking Words
 they are working and getting paid. But as
Correct article usage
a fact
show examples
fact
Punctuation problem
fact,
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 it
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
has a
lot
Use synonyms
 of bad
health
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 problem like, they should to spend at a
lot
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 of their time on electronic devices
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 bad for
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
.
Mose
Correct your spelling
Most
 of the community
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 unaware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 thing
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they
didn’t
Wrong verb form
don’t
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 know what
are
Correct word order
apply
show examples
the
effect
Check wording
effects
show examples
 of good and bad
activities
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.
Verb problem
are.
show examples
So we must learn more about useful
activity
Check wording
activities
show examples
 that return to us with
health
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. Every School or university should create a yearly program about
activities
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 where every student
choose
Correct subject-verb agreement
chooses
show examples
 the activity they like and belong to, and
this
Linking Words
 program
included
Verb problem
should be included
show examples
 in their study schedule at least once a week. In conclusion, choosing a good activity to
do talks
Verb problem
talk
show examples
 about our body
health
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. Nowadays we see a
lot
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 of people
didn’t
Correct pronoun usage
who didn’t
show examples
 choose their jobs carefully.
However
Linking Words
, we should create awareness
to everyone
Correct word order
for everyone to
show examples
 become more aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their choices.

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task response
Score: 5. Your main ideas are clear, but they are too narrow. You mainly talk about jobs and high pay. Add other causes, such as stress, habit, lack of time, and easy access to bad food or smoking.
task response
Explain each cause more. For example, people may know fast food is bad, but they buy it because it is cheap, quick, and easy after work.
task response
Your solution is useful, but it needs more detail. Say who should share this knowledge: schools, doctors, TV, or the government. Explain how this can change people’s actions.
task response
The cinema example is not very strong. Watching films for work may not be a common cause of poor health. Use a clearer example, such as office staff sitting all day or people eating fast food because they are busy.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each body part. Body 1 can cover causes. Body 2 can cover solutions. This will make your plan easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: “One main cause is the need to earn money.” Then give one reason and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not clear. For example, “Most of the people looking for a job with high salary” is not a full clear start. Write: “Many people look for high-paid jobs and ignore the health risks.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “activity” and “health” too much. You can use simple words like “habits”, “choices”, “work”, and “well-being” where needed.
task response
You answer both questions: why people do unhealthy things and what can be done.
task response
You give an example about a cinema worker and time on screens.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words, such as “However”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • coping mechanisms
  • peer pressure
  • cultural norms
  • addiction
  • accessible and affordable
  • negative consequences
  • public knowledge
  • mental health professionals
  • support groups
  • community resources
  • stricter regulations
  • subsidize
  • work-life balance
  • personalized interventions
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