IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Topic: employers sometimes ask people applying for personal information such as theirs hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both this views and give your own opinion.

Employers
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 sometimes request personal
information
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 from job applicants,
such
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 as their
hobbies
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,
interests
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, or marital
status
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.
While
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 some argue that
such
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 details are relevant and beneficial in the
recruitment
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 process, others believe that asking for
this
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information
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 is inappropriate and potentially discriminatory.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before presenting my own view.
Employers
Use synonyms
 sometimes request personal
information
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 from job applicants,
such
Linking Words
 as their
hobbies
Use synonyms
,
interests
Use synonyms
, or marital
status
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some argue that
such
Linking Words
 details are relevant and beneficial in the
recruitment
Use synonyms
 process, others believe that asking for
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 is inappropriate and potentially discriminatory.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before presenting my own view. On the one hand, supporters of collecting personal
information
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 claim that it allows
employers
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 to gain a deeper understanding of a candidate’s personality and suitability for the workplace.
For instance
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,
hobbies
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 and
interests
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 can reveal soft skills
such
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 as teamwork, leadership, or creativity, which may not be evident from academic qualifications alone.
In addition
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, some
employers
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 argue that knowing an applicant’s personal circumstances,
such
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 as marital
status
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, can help assess availability, long-term commitment, or willingness to relocate. From
this
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 perspective, personal
information
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 can contribute to more informed hiring decisions.
On the other hand
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, critics strongly oppose
this
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 practice, arguing that personal details are largely irrelevant to a person’s professional competence. Questions about marital
status
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 or private life may lead to conscious or unconscious bias, particularly against women, parents, or individuals from certain cultural backgrounds.
Moreover
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, collecting
such
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information
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 can be seen as an invasion of privacy and may discourage qualified candidates from applying. In many countries, employment laws already restrict
employers
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 from asking personal questions in order to ensure fairness and equal opportunity in the workplace. In my opinion,
while
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information
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 about
hobbies
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 and
interests
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 can sometimes provide useful insight into a candidate’s character,
employers
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 should avoid asking about personal matters
such
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 as marital
status
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.
Recruitment
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 should be based primarily on skills, experience, and merit rather than private life. A balanced approach that respects personal boundaries
while
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 allowing candidates to voluntarily share relevant
interests
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 would result in a fairer and more effective hiring process. In conclusion,
although
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 some believe that personal
information
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 can assist
employers
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 in selecting suitable candidates, others argue that it is irrelevant and potentially discriminatory. I believe that only non-intrusive
information
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 directly related to the job should be considered, ensuring both fairness and professionalism in
recruitment
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.

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strength
You keep a good view of both sides and end with your own view.
improvement
The opening part repeats the same idea twice. Remove the duplicate and start with a fresh intro.
tip
Make each idea in its own paragraph and give a clear example that fits the point.
tip
Use short, plain words and short sentences so the answer is easy to read.
tip
Try to add a clear link from one paragraph to the next so the flow is smooth.
content strength
Shows a balanced view and a clear opinion in the end.
content strength
Gives examples that show how traits in life can be read from work.
structure strength
Has a clear structure with intro, body and conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • employer
  • hiring process
  • company culture
  • team dynamics
  • candidate
  • personality traits
  • values
  • marital status
  • discrimination
  • bias
  • privacy
  • professional skills
  • abilities
  • subjective
  • experience
  • role
  • secondary consideration
What to do next:
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