IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

the graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2005

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The given table compares the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 and females in Australia,
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
, Japan, Italy,
France
Use synonyms
 and
Korea
Use synonyms
 in 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 is later despite
months
Check wording
the fact that the months
show examples
 are
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 than
females
Correct pronoun usage
those of females
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 in
Korea
Use synonyms
more
Verb problem
is higher
show examples
 than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 countries. Looking at the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
. In
Korea
Use synonyms
, men usually retire at 68
years
Use synonyms
 old, making it considerably higher than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 countries.
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
 Italy
men
Punctuation problem
, men
show examples
 retire at 67
years
Use synonyms
 old
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
Use synonyms
France
Change preposition
in France
show examples
.
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 65
years
Use synonyms
 old
males
Use synonyms
 retire
in United
Change preposition
at 64
show examples
States
Punctuation problem
States,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 in Australia is 64. In
Use synonyms
France
Add a comma
France,
show examples
 men retire at 57
years
Use synonyms
 old .
By contrast
Linking Words
, the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 of females
67
Verb problem
is 67
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 old in
Korea
Use synonyms
Linking Words
whereas
Punctuation problem
, whereas
show examples
 64 in
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
. 66
years
Use synonyms
 old is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 in both Japan and Italy. Meanwhile, 63 is the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 in Australia. In
France
Use synonyms
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
show examples
 rate
less
Verb problem
is less
show examples
 than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 countries – 56.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words retirement, age, males, france, korea, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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