IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some feel that entrepreneurs are as important to society as scientists. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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boost
economy
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 ease
people
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's
lives
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Entrepreneurs
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 play a crucial role in developing a
society
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.
While
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 a significant number of
people
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 believe that
entrepreneurs
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 and scientists have
equal
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an equally
 significant part
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
society
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, I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because
entrepreneurs
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 boost the
economy
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 by investing in many areas and they are trying to find solutions to ease
people
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's
live
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lives
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples.
One
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On
show examples
 the one hand,
entrepreneurs
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 have a great impact on the
economy
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.
This
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 is because business founders create jobs, pay taxes and stimulate local and national economies.As they reach some
open-mind
Replace the word
open-minded
people
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 who are developing new tools or ideas, encouraging these
people
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 to build their
firms
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own firms
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.
As a result
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,
entrepreneurs
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 can boost
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economy
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the economy
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 by investing in these
companies
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.
For instance
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, Steve Jobs invested in AI
companies
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 with an enormous amount of money, enabling these
companies
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 to develop
machine
Correct article usage
the machine
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 learning tools we use today.
Therefore
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, there is a strong relationship between investment and the
economy
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. On the
otherhand
Correct your spelling
other hand
, founders of
companies
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 are instinctive followers of easing our
lives
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. Since they turn scientific discoveries into practical products and services that ordinary
people
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 can use, they provide essential solutions for
people
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's
lives
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.
Consequently
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, they can meet the needs of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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, increase the quality of life and support practical solutions.
For instance
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, Elon Musk is a distinguished example of
entrepreneurs
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who
change
Wrong verb form
changed
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 the whole car
industy
Correct your spelling
industry
 by replacing diesel cars with electric cars, enabling
people
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 to reduce their carbon emissions.
Thus
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, he has a positive impact on
society
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 by finding
exact
Correct article usage
the exact
show examples
 needs. In conclusion,
although
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 many
people
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 believe that founder of
companies
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 don't have a great influence on
society
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 as much as scientists, I firmly maintain that they are vital for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 because they invest in many areas, which boost the
economy
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, and they can ease
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people'
Check wording
people's
show examples
lives
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 by supporting start-up
companies
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.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Your answer is on the topic and your view is clear. However, the question asks if business people are as important as scientists. Compare the two groups more directly in each body part. Explain why business people cannot do this work without science, and why science may not help people without business people.
task response
Make your ideas more exact. In the first body part, explain how new firms make jobs, pay tax, and help the country. In the second, explain how they take new science and make things that people can buy and use.
task response
Be careful with facts in examples. Steve Jobs did not invest in AI firms in the way you say. A safer example is that Apple turned new ideas in computer science into phones and tools used by many people.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each part. Some lines are hard to follow, for example the part about “open-mind people”. Say clearly who these people are and how the business person helps them.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic lines. For example: “First, entrepreneurs help the economy by starting firms and making jobs.” Then give one clear reason and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Fix small linking and word form problems: use “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “the economy”, “people’s lives”, and “car industry”. Also, do not repeat “As a result” and “Consequently” too much.
coherence and cohesion
Your end changes the other view. You first say both groups are equally important, but the end says founders are more important. Keep the same view from start to end: both are important in different but equal ways.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree. You give two main reasons: jobs and money, and better daily life.
task response
Your examples about Steve Jobs and Elon Musk are linked to your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social progress
  • scientific research
  • medical breakthrough
  • technological innovation
  • practical application
  • commercialise an invention
  • turn an idea into a product
  • create employment opportunities
  • economic growth
  • pay taxes
  • meet consumer needs
  • solve real-world problems
  • improve quality of life
  • public health
  • private investment
  • research and development
  • bring products to market
  • mutual dependence
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