Some people believe that governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Whether
govenments
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governments
should
emphasize
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emphasise
show examples
more on problems like
enviornment
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environmental
pollution or better
accomodation
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accommodation
to maintain a healthy society is becoming a topic of debate in masses. I completely agree with the statement because working on these factors can improve many conditions of the country
like
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, like
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health and poverty
and
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, and
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can
helps
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help
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to motivate
younsters
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youth
to contribute
in
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to
show examples
such
Linking Words
approches
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approaches
. First of all, there are many issues
rising
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arising
show examples
in the world related to pollution and migration. As many individuals are moving
the
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to
show examples
cities, air quality is
be coming
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
low
due to
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traffic congestion.
However
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, putting
cap
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a cap
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on migration can retard the increase in pollutants in the air,
results
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resulting
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in
less
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fewer
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breathing problems and other diseases related to air pollution.
Therefore
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, putting
ban
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a ban
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on
migration
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the migration
show examples
of
people
Use synonyms
to other cities can be helpful to combat the problem.
For example
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, if youngsters are provided with required facilities like educational
institues
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institutions
, multinational companies in their own areas , they will not feel discouraged because of
lack
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a lack
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of job
opportunties
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opportunities
. Meanwhile, by doing advancements in every areas can increase the economy of a country, reduces the poverty as well.
Additionally
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,
compaigns
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campaigns
on enviornment problem should be organised in every area to guide
people
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t
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to
the importance of clean surroundings. Discarding non-biodegradable materials in water and land is a cause of
sever
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severe
show examples
illness in animals and humans ,so measures should
by
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be
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taken to stop
this
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trend by banning
the
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apply
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plastic bags or
encourging
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encouraging
people
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to use biodegradable materials like paper
bag
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bags
show examples
. Other
step
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steps
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should
taken
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be taken
show examples
to educate students at the schools or colleges about protecting nature by keeping clean
around
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apply
show examples
everywhere.
For example
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, many young individuals have started charity work to clean the old age homes
and
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, and
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this
Linking Words
gives them
sense
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a sense
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of accomplishment
turns
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, turning
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them into
a
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apply
show examples
responsible human beings. In conclusion,
by
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apply
show examples
imposing certain laws and spreading awareness
in
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among
show examples
people
Use synonyms
can lead to improved health conditions and
better
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a better
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world with
sustained
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a sustained
show examples
enviornment
Correct your spelling
environment
and lifestyle.

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Task response
Your view is clear: you fully agree. However, stay closer to the question. The question is about pollution and housing. You write much more about moving people between cities, jobs, and young people. Add a full main part on housing, for example poor homes, crowding, clean water, and how better homes can stop disease.
Task response
Explain the health link more fully. Do not only say that less pollution means fewer breathing problems. Show how dirty air, dirty water, waste, and crowded homes can cause illness. Then explain how government action can help.
Task response
Some ideas are too strong or not well shown. For example, a ban on people moving to cities may not be a good or real answer. A better point is for the government to improve buses, control traffic, and build jobs and schools outside big cities.
Task response
Your examples need to be more direct. The example about young people cleaning old age homes does not clearly show how government work on pollution and housing can stop disease. Use an example such as clean public water, waste collection, or safe low-cost homes.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction with your view; body 1 on pollution and health; body 2 on housing and health; conclusion. This will make every part answer the question.
Coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs have a main idea, but some sentences move away from it. For example, the first body moves from air pollution to migration, jobs, the economy, and poverty. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple links carefully: 'First', 'For example', 'As a result', 'In addition', and 'Therefore'. Make sure each link shows a real link between the two ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of each body paragraph clearly return to illness and disease. This will help the reader follow your answer and see why the point matters.
Task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction: you completely agree.
Task response
You include two useful areas: air pollution and waste. These are related to public health.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as 'First of all', 'Additionally', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • respiratory diseases
  • heart conditions
  • incidence
  • affordable housing
  • stress
  • infectious diseases
  • preventative measures
  • cost-effective
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • comprehensive approach
  • global warming
  • climate change
  • exacerbated
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