IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give reasons for child obesity today and give solutions to help this problem

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Society has changed a great deal
and
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, and
show examples
 that includes the eating habits of
children
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. The number of overweight
children
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 has rapidly increased over the past few years. Parents must take
this
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problem
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 seriously as it can create dangerous health issues.
This
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 essay will outline the reasons for
child
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obesity
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while
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also
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 explaining the solutions to solve
this
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problem
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. On the one hand, there are many reasons why kids are overweight.
Firstly
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,
children
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 often have poor and unbalanced diets. A healthy meal should include carbs, protein, and other healthy fats.
Also
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, many parents allow their kids to eat an excessive amount of junk food.
Secondly
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, many
children
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 spend most of their day glued to screens.
This
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 issue causes inactivity and makes
children
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 fat.
Finally
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, digesting large amounts of sugar is a huge
problem
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.
Children
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 tend to snack on sweets, candy and chocolate.
In addition
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, they drink unhealthy amounts of soda, which is saturated with sugar.
However
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, there are several effective solutions that can prevent
child
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obesity
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 today.
First,
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children
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 should exercise regularly. Providing exercise programs for kids who are overweight helps them burn more calories and stay healthy.
Also
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, schools should provide more PE programs and other sports clubs.
Second,
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people must spread awareness of
child
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obesity
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. Social media platforms can be used to educate parents about healthy lifestyle choices . It is
also
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 important to share fitness plans online to prevent
this
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problem
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.
Finally
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, families should provide
children
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 with balanced meals.
In addition
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, schools should provide healthy meals in the canteen. Planning balanced meals helps to develop healthier eating habits In conclusion, it is clear to see that
child
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obesity
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 has several factors.
However
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, the solutions discussed can significantly reduce
this
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 and improve
children
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's health.

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task response
Score: 7. Add one short, clear example for some main ideas. For example, say how a child may eat fast food after school and play games for many hours. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Some ideas need a little more detail. Explain why parents let children eat junk food, or how schools can help families make better food choices.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. Your order is good, but the word 'However' is not the best way to start the solutions part. Use 'There are also several ways to help solve this problem' instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer repeated words, such as 'children', 'healthy', and 'problem'. You can sometimes use 'kids', 'young people', 'this issue', or 'this health risk'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point fully clear before you move to the next one. For example, after screen time, add one line: 'As a result, they use less energy and may gain weight.'
task response
You answer both parts of the task: reasons and ways to help. Your ideas are clear and on topic.
task response
You give several good reasons, such as poor food, too much screen time, and too much sugar.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. It is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words, such as Firstly, Secondly, Also, Finally, However, and In conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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