IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Crime rates will fall as advances in technology make it easier to detect and prevent crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the modern era,
crime
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 has become a major problem in society. It is argued that technological advances can detect and prevent
crimes
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, leading to a fall
of
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in
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crime
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rates
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.
Although
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 I partly agree that the digital breakthrough can deliver a prevention of
crimes
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, it does not reduce
crime
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 and may lead to
cybercrime
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. On the one hand,
technology
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 serves as a
crime
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 deterrent and may prevent
crimes
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.
This
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 is caused by
a
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the
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 development of many systems, which detect any
crime
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, leading to the lowered level of
crime
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.
For example
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, high-tech surveillance cameras or facial recognition discourage people from committing
crimes
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due to
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 the high risk of being caught.
As a result
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, individuals are less likely to engage in criminals, and
also
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 allowing to detect offenders.
Furthermore
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, digital tools can improve
crime
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-solving
rates
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. By using
the
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apply
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advances in DNA analysis, digital forensics, and ballistic testing, people can investigate criminals, which helps them to exonerate the innocent, reducing wrongful convictions.
Therefore
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,
technology
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 plays a crucial role in investigations, and it discourages people
to commit
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from committing
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crimes
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.
On the other hand
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, the advancements in
technology
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 can not address the root causes of criminal behaviour. The
crimes
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often
Verb problem
are often
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 caused by the underlying issues,
such
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 as poverty, social inequality, and lack of education. It means that these problems can be solved by
a
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apply
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governmental intervention , but not by technological devices. In turn,
crime
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rates
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 may not significantly drop, which does not solve
this
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 issue.
Moreover
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,
cybercrime
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 acts as a growing threat
due to
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 a wider range of devices,
so
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and so
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 do the methods of committing
crimes
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 online.
Cybercrime
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, including hacking
,
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and
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 identity theft, is on the rise, allowing criminals to engage in criminal activities against vulnerable individuals.
As a result
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,
technology
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 advances are often related to
cybercrime
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and can not actually tackle the issue of
crime
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rates
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. In conclusion,
although
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technology
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 may
has
Wrong verb form
have
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 several drawbacks,
such
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 as online
crime
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, I firmly believe it brings benefits by detecting
crimes
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 and helping to investigate.

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Task response
Score: 6. Your main view is not fully the same from start to end. In the opening, you say technology does not reduce crime. In the ending, you say you firmly believe it brings benefits. State one exact view and keep it all through the essay.
Task response
Explain more clearly how each point changes the total crime rate. Cameras may stop some street crime, but online crime may rise. Say which side is stronger and why.
Task response
Some ideas need more support. For example, explain why poverty and poor education can lead to crime, and why technology cannot fully solve these causes.
Coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. Most paragraphs have one main idea, but some sentences are hard to follow. For example, “individuals are less likely to engage in criminals” does not make clear sense. Write: “people are less likely to commit crimes.”
Coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas more exact. Do not use “As a result” when the result is not clear. Say what causes what in a direct way.
Coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph does not match the body well. Your body says technology may not lower crime rates, but the ending mainly says it has benefits. End by answering the exact question: will crime rates fall, and to what degree?
Task response
You answer the question and give a clear partly agree view. You discuss both the good side of technology and its limits.
Task response
Your examples are on topic, such as cameras, face checks, DNA work, hacking, and identity theft.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, the other side, and ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use clear links, such as “On the one hand”, “Furthermore”, “Moreover”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime deterrent
  • high-tech surveillance
  • facial recognition systems
  • omnipresence
  • deter
  • digital forensics
  • ballistic testing
  • revolutionize
  • exonerate
  • root causes
  • social inequality
  • invasion of privacy
  • civil liberties
  • surveillance
  • data collection
  • negative implications
  • cybercrime
  • hacking
  • identity theft
  • online fraud
  • cybersecurity
  • vulnerabilities
  • exploit
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