IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the governments should pay for health care and education but others think that this is not the government’s responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
In today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 most people agree on the idea that the
government
Use synonyms
 should pay for
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
, but others might not support that idea because
see
Correct pronoun usage
they see
show examples
 it as
it's
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
not the
government
Use synonyms
's responsibility to do so. And
this
Linking Words
 idea I will tackle
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 discuss
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 give my opinion on both of these headliners
Healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
 can cause
severe
Correct article usage
a severe
show examples
 financial burden in today's society, and having
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial aid from the
government
Use synonyms
 can relieve that burden.
For instance
Linking Words
, the money
that is
Linking Words
 put into the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 in most family homes can be put into the other needs that the family might have. If a family that lives
paycheck
Use synonyms
 to
paycheck
Use synonyms
 keeps paying for the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
 of their kids
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 maybe only their own
healthcare
Use synonyms
insurance
Punctuation problem
insurance,
show examples
 they end up with a little bit of amount of money that can only be enough for a
week
Check wording
week's
show examples
 worth of groceries
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 if that cycle continues
Punctuation problem
, on
show examples
on
Change preposition
it
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can even cause stress, a depressive state and many more mental health issues. If the
government
Use synonyms
 steps up and helps these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
families
Punctuation problem
families,
show examples
 they left a huge financial problem that keeps occurring.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, if the
government
Use synonyms
 keeps paying for the
education
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
system
Punctuation problem
system,
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
 would go through financial problems because it would stop
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
some of the earnings that the
government
Use synonyms
 gets from its citizens
because
Correct word choice
, since
show examples
 a huge part of the
Use synonyms
government
Check wording
government's
show examples
 earnings are
insurance
Change preposition
from insurance
show examples
 companies and
and
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 educational
system
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I view it as the
government
Use synonyms
 should provide some financial aid with the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 insurance
system
Use synonyms
, and the educational
Use synonyms
system
Punctuation problem
system,
show examples
 based on each person's
need
Check wording
needs
show examples
. You can't compare a family
that is
Linking Words
 living
paycheck
Use synonyms
 to
paycheck
Use synonyms
 with a family without much
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
higher status.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Score: 5. Your main ideas are clear, but the second view is too short. Explain more fully why some people think the state should not pay. For example, they may say people should pay for their own care, or that free help can cost too much.
task response
Your opinion is clear, but it needs a stronger reason. Say that the state should pay more for poor people, while people with more money can pay part of the cost.
task response
Some points are not fully true or clear. The state does not get a huge part of its money from insurance firms and schools. Use a safer idea: the state has only so much money, and it must also pay for roads, safety, and other needs.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main part more even. The first main part is long, but the second main part is only a few lines. Aim for one full paragraph for each side.
coherence and cohesion
Start with a simpler opening. Do not say “And this idea I will tackle”. Instead, say: “This essay will discuss both views and give my opinion.”
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic lines. For example: “One reason for state help is that health care and school can be too costly.” Then: “However, others think this would put too much pressure on state money.”
coherence and cohesion
Some long lines are hard to follow. Split them into shorter lines, especially the family example. This will make your ideas easier to read.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view in the last part.
task response
You use a clear family example to show why help with health care and school can matter.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public funding
  • basic healthcare
  • free access to education
  • equal opportunities
  • low-income families
  • medical treatment
  • preventive care
  • public services
  • tax burden
  • government budget
  • skilled workforce
  • social inequality
  • private providers
  • higher standards
  • long waiting times
  • essential services
  • state-funded schools
  • universal healthcare
What to do next:
Look at other essays: