IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Surveillance cameras in banks, offices, shops and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and public, but they are also took for their users to spy on people's private business. what problems

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Surveillance
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cameras
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 have become an essential part of modern security systems. They help prevent crime in workplaces and public areas by discouraging illegal activities and providing evidence when crimes occur.
However
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, despite these benefits, the widespread
use
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 of
surveillance
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cameras
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 has
also
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 raised serious concerns about
privacy
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 and
misuse
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the problems associated with
surveillance
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cameras
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 and suggest possible solutions. One major problem is the violation of personal
privacy
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. In many public places and workplaces, people are constantly monitored without knowing how their recorded data will be used. In some cases,
unauthorized
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unauthorised
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 individuals may access or share video
footage
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, leading to harassment, blackmail, or identity theft.
Moreover
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, excessive
surveillance
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 can make employees feel stressed and uncomfortable, as they may believe that every action is being watched, reducing trust between employers and workers. Another issue is the
misuse
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 of
surveillance
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 technology by
organizations
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organisations
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 or individuals. Some companies may monitor employees beyond working hours,
while
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 hackers can gain access to security systems and
use
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 the
footage
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 for criminal purposes.
Such
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misuse
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 not only violates people's rights but
also
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 undermines public confidence in
surveillance
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 systems. To address these problems, governments should introduce and enforce strict
privacy
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 laws that regulate the installation and
use
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 of
surveillance
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cameras
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.
Organizations
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Organisations
show examples
 should be required to inform people when
cameras
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 are in operation and explain the purpose of recording.
In addition
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, access to recorded
footage
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 should be restricted to
authorized
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authorised
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 personnel only, with strong cybersecurity measures in place to prevent hacking and data leaks. Regular inspections and severe penalties for the
misuse
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 of
surveillance
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footage
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 would
further
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 discourage unethical practices. In conclusion,
although
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surveillance
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cameras
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 play a significant role in reducing crime and improving public safety, they
also
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 create serious
privacy
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 concerns and can be misused. By implementing stricter legal regulations, improving data security, and ensuring responsible
use
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, society can enjoy the benefits of
surveillance
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while
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 protecting individual
privacy
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.

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task response
Score: 8. Your answer is full and stays on the topic. To get a 9, add one more real example for each main problem. For example, say how a worker may be watched during a break, or how a video may be shared online.
task response
Make the link between each problem and its answer even more direct. After the problem of people getting camera films, say that only a small number of trained staff should be able to see them.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 8. Your order is very clear. To make it even better, use a little less repeated wording, such as “surveillance cameras” and “misuse”, by using “these cameras” or “this bad use” at times.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences have many ideas. Split them into two short sentences when you can. This will make your writing easier to read and follow.
task response
You answer both parts well: you show the problems and give clear ways to deal with them.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: loss of private life, stress at work, and bad use of camera films.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: start, two problem parts, one answer part, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “However”, “Moreover”, “Another issue”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • privacy invasion
  • misuse
  • cybercriminals
  • over-reliance
  • psychological impact
  • data storage
  • data breaches
  • compliance
  • behavioral changes
  • regulations
  • signage
  • encrypting
  • secured storage
  • privacy rights
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