IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

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The main purpose of primary
education
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 is to provide
children
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 with a strong foundation for the future.
However
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, primary
education
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 often
overemphasizes
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overemphasises
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 formal academic learning. I agree with
this
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 view because young
children
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 need opportunities to be physically active and engage in interactive activities rather than spending most of their time sitting in classrooms. Formal learning refers to structured
education
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 that takes place in classes, where students learn subjects
such
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 as math and reading through lessons and exercises.
For example
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, many primary schools spend hours each day completing worksheets,
memorizing
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memorising
show examples
 information, and preparing for exams.
While
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 formal learning is necessary, schools should provide a balance between
education
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 and exploration. Play is just as important as formal learning in primary
education
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. At
this
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 age,
children
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 enjoy learning through play because it makes lessons more interesting and helps them develop creativity, communication, and problem-solving skills.
Moreover
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, play is an effective way of learning, as it allows young learners to understand ideas through experience rather than
memorization
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memorisation
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.
Therefore
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, primary schools should provide a balance between academic learning and play to support
children
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's
overall
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 development. In my view,
education
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 is necessary for young
children
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 because it provides them with the knowledge and skills they need for the future.
However
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, it is equally important to
recognize
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recognise
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 that young
children
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 naturally spend much of their time playing, and
this
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 should be valued and integrated into their educational experience.

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task response
Score: 7. Your ideas are clear, but they need more detail. Explain more fully why too much formal learning can be bad, for example, it may make children tired or less interested in school.
task response
Give one more clear example of play in class, such as group games for math, role play for reading, or building tasks for science. This would make your points stronger.
task response
Your final paragraph repeats your main view. Add a short, clear final answer: formal learning is needed, but play should have an equal and planned place in primary school.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. The order is easy to follow, but Paragraph 2 and Paragraph 3 could be linked more smoothly. For example: “Although formal lessons build key skills, play helps children use these skills in a more natural way.”
coherence and cohesion
Try not to repeat “balance”, “formal learning”, and “primary education” too often. Use simple other words, such as “school work”, “lessons”, “study”, or “this kind of learning”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph a stronger ending. Do not add a new point there; sum up the two main points from the body instead.
task response
You clearly give your view: schools give too much time to formal learning, and play should be part of school.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You say how far you agree and explain why play is important.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, formal learning, play, and final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words such as “However”, “For example”, “Moreover”, and “Therefore”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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