IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is increasingly common nowadays that core and leisure
subjects
Use synonyms
 are combined in modern educational systems.
However
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, an opposing argument states that full focus on academic
courses
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 is crucial for students' upcoming careers, and other
subjects
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such
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 as music and physical education are unbeneficial. From my perspective, I firmly agree with the presented statement.
Initially
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, teaching entertaining
subjects
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 with scientific and mathematical studies simultaneously prevents learners from receiving knowledge and academic improvement,
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this is largely because
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 they face challenging distractions from them.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 effectively affects his grades,
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hence
Punctuation problem
hence,
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 future opportunities are narrowed. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in a proportion of private schools, where
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
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 of graduates
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 notably less efficient than others in public education
as a result
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 of adding habit
subjects
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on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the curriculum.
Furthermore
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, mental skills
courses
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such
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 as critical thinking and negotiation are a greater alternative than music and athletics in terms of usefulness.
Moreover
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, these skills
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 advantageous support for learners in academic
subjects
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, especially those requiring high abilities.
For instance
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, a recent study from a Japanese college revealed that average mathematics and physics scores increased by roughly 17 per cent
as a result
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 of removing activity
subjects
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 and replacing them with critical thinking
courses
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. In conclusion, despite individuals holding diverse viewpoints on the given question. I completely believe that education should be focused fully on academic
courses
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 that will benefit children in their occupational and educational future.

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overall score
Score: 5. The answer has a clear position and a good basic shape, but some main ideas are not fully shown or well supported.
task response
Explain more clearly why music and sport are not useful for future work. At present, the first main point says they distract students, but this is too general.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims. Saying music and sport stop students from learning is hard to prove. A better point is that too much time on these subjects may reduce time for key school work.
task response
Your second body part changes the topic. Critical thinking and negotiation may be useful, but the question asks mainly about academic subjects versus music and sport. Keep the focus on that choice.
task response
Make examples more believable and explain them. The private-school example is not clear, and the Japan study needs more detail about why it proves your point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join many ideas together. Use shorter sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
The first body part needs a clearer order: main idea, explanation, result, then example. This will make the point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Do not overuse linking words if the link is not clear. For example, “Which effectively affects his grades” is a sentence part, not a full sentence. Write: “This can affect their grades.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same subject word. You move between “learners”, “his”, “students”, and “children”. Use “students” or “children” throughout.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree that school should focus on academic subjects. Your main points are linked to this view.
task response
You use examples in both body parts, which helps show your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes the overall shape easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Initially”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” show the order of your ideas.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic education
  • soft skills
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • time management
  • leadership
  • mental well-being
  • physical health
  • academic performance
  • creativity
  • innovative thinking
  • STEM fields
  • career opportunities
  • entertainment industry
  • sports industry
  • life balance
  • academic stress
  • burnout
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