IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Unhealthy eating has a negative effect on both individuals and the society in which they live. Some people think that the government should tax unhealthy foods while others believe that a ‘fat tax’ is unfair and unnecessary. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is no denying the fact that sugary
drinks
Check wording
drink
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 consumption
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to serious illness that includes obesity and diabetes.
However
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, there is ongoing debate regarding whether the state should charge its citizens for unhealthy
food
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, or others think it is
unessentail
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unnecessary
 to do so. I firmly believe that introducing
such
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act
Correct article usage
an act
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 in
the
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apply
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society is
crutial
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crucial
 in order to reduce
healthcare
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the healthcare
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 burden in the country. In terms of imposing sugar and fat taxation
in the
Change preposition
on
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 unhealthy
food
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 items, it is intial step toward changing individual
behaviors
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behaviours
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 for
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 healthy lifestyle. The main reason given to support
this
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 claim is that people will tend
rethink
Verb problem
to rethink
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 twice before purchasing taxed
food
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 items, and
therefore
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 search for
best
Correct article usage
the best
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 organic options.
For example
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, a recent study
,
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apply
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 in the UK
,
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apply
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 demonstrated that after applying the sugar levy the people
perferred
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preferred
alternative
Punctuation problem
alternative,
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 cheaper choices with less sugar and
fas
Correct your spelling
fast food
such
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 as in soft drinks and eating items at supermarkets.
Therefore
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,
this
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 practice has a "nudging" effect toward
healthier
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a healthier
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 life
of
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for
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 people.
On the other hand
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, it can
been
Wrong verb form
be
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 argued that implementing extra charges on
food
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 is
unjustfied
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unjustified
 by the
goverments
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governments
.
This
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 is because
this
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 legislation will create more
finincial
Correct your spelling
financial
 pressures on
disadvantged
Correct your spelling
disadvantaged
 families. In
the
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apply
show examples
other words, they
required
Verb problem
were required
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 to pay extra for their children and family
memebers
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members
.
In addition
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,
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
 should focus
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other solutions,
for
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instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
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 through health promotion and health education.
Thus
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, the community
to
Verb problem
needs to
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 be empowered and aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 well-being.
To sum up
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, I
stongly
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strongly
 believe that
goverments
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governments
 should start
leving
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banning
 sugary drinks and unhealthy
food
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, as
this
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 action will
alarm
Verb problem
alert
show examples
 the
citzens
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citizens
 to choose the best for their nutrition.
Also
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,
this
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 will reduce the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 service pressure in the country.

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task response
Estimated score: 6. Your answer covers all parts of the question, but develop each side more. Explain more clearly how a tax can help society, not only the person. For example, say that tax money can pay for health care or school health work.
task response
Make your own view more balanced. You say the tax is needed, but also say how the government can make it fair for poor families, such as using the tax money to make healthy food cheaper.
task response
Some points are too general. Instead of only saying people will choose organic food, explain that people may buy water, fruit, or low-sugar drinks because they cost less.
coherence and cohesion
Your main order is good, but some sentences do not link well. In the second body part, “In the other words” should be “In other words”, and the next idea should clearly explain why poor families are hit harder.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Paragraph 1 can focus on changing food choices. Paragraph 2 can focus on fairness for low-income families and other ways to improve health.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between cause and result: “As a result”, “This means that”, and “For this reason”. Do not use too many link words if the meaning is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your view well. Make it stronger by adding one short final point: the tax should be part of a wider health plan, not the only answer.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own clear view.
task response
Your UK sugar tax example is useful and related to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “However”, “For example”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up” help the reader follow your ideas.
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