IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is often argued that
health
Use synonyms
 standards will decline in the near future compared with current levels.
This
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 issue has sparked considerable debate, and I firmly agree with
this
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 view because unhealthy
lifestyles
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 and deteriorating environmental conditions are increasingly affecting public
health
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the main reasons for
this
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 decline.
Firstly
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, one of the most compelling reasons is the increasing prevalence of sedentary
lifestyles
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. Nowadays, many
people
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 work in jobs that require little physical activity.
In particular
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, online jobs often require employees to sit in front of computer screens for several hours a day, which can contribute to rising rates of obesity.
This
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, in turn, increases the risk of developing chronic conditions
such
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 as hypertension and diabetes.
For instance
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, the World
Health
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Organization
Change the spelling
Organisation
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 has highlighted the growing prevalence of non-communicable diseases, many of which are associated with physical inactivity and unhealthy
lifestyles
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.
Moreover
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, the rise in
pollution
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 is another major factor that could negatively affect
people
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's
health
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 in the future. Fossil fuel emissions from vehicles and industrial activities release harmful pollutants into the atmosphere, which can have serious consequences for human
health
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.
For example
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, prolonged exposure to air
pollution
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 can increase the risk of respiratory diseases
such
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 as asthma and chronic lung conditions.
Furthermore
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,
people
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's dietary habits are
also
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 becoming increasingly unhealthy. Many individuals now prefer processed and fast foods because they are convenient and readily available. These foods are often high in sugar, unhealthy fats and salt, and their regular consumption can contribute to obesity, insulin resistance and diabetes. In my opinion, unless
people
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 adopt healthier
lifestyles
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 and governments take effective measures to control
pollution
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 and promote healthy diets,
overall
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health
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 standards are likely to deteriorate in the coming years.
Therefore
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, preventive measures should be prioritised to protect public
health
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 and improve
people
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's quality of life. In conclusion, sedentary
lifestyles
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, increasing
pollution
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 and unhealthy dietary habits are three major factors that may contribute to poorer
health
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 in the future. Both individuals and governments should take responsibility for addressing these issues, as prevention is ultimately better than
cure
Correct article usage
a cure
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.

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task response
Estimated score: 7. To reach 8, explain more fully why these problems will be worse in the future, not only why they are bad now. For example, say that more screen-based work, more cars, and wider use of fast food may make these risks grow.
task response
Add one more clear example from your own knowledge or experience. For example: “In my city, many office workers travel by car and spend most of the day sitting, so weight problems are now more common.”
task response
You say you fully agree, but you could make your answer stronger by briefly noting the other side. For example, better health care and health apps may help people, but they may not be enough to stop the rise in poor habits and pollution.
coherence and cohesion
The second body paragraph has two big ideas: pollution and diet. It would be clearer to put unhealthy food in its own paragraph. This gives each main idea more space.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are a little repeated, especially “For example” and “Furthermore”. Use a wider range of simple links, such as “Also”, “As a result”, “Because of this”, and “At the same time”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph match the points in your opening. You could say: “The first reason is less physical activity.” Then: “A second reason is the growth of pollution and poor diets.”
task response
Your view is clear from the start: you agree that health may get worse. You give three main reasons: less exercise, more pollution, and poor food choices.
task response
Your ideas stay on the question. The examples of desk work, air pollution, and fast food help explain why health may fall.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main body parts, and an ending. Each part has a clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as “Firstly”, “Moreover”, “For example”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”. This makes the essay easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
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