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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Learning to play team sports is an important part of a child’s education. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is widely acknowledged that
team
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sports
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 are an integral part of kids' education.
Team
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sports
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 training is
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 effective method in
children
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's development
,
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.
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 I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because
this
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 training helps acquire new
skills
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,
such
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 as teamwork and
discipline
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 , which are key factors of being successful in their classes.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant examples and arguments. One of the main reasons to justify my point is that
team
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 sport seasons play a crucial role in developing teamwork
skills
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.
This
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 is because, as
children
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 play with their teammates, they can not only adopt a better understanding of how to assist them but
also
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 comprehend how to fulfil their
responsibilites
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responsibilities
 in the
team
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.
As a result
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, teamwork is a vital skill that improves their performance on group homework throughout their studies at school.
For instance
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, in the elementary school,
children
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 who play
team
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sports
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,
such
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 as basketball and soccer, demonstrate higher performance on taking responsibility in their project than their peers who don't join any
team
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 activities because when they fail to play their parts well in a competition, they can lose the game or be criticised by their coach.
Furthermore
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,
team
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 activities can ensure
discipline
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 that improves their efficiency during
student's
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students'
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 studies. Since education is pushing toward more comprehensive and difficult tasks, they can leverage their
discipline
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 background , which they acquired by doing
team
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sports
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, to contribute to their progress in classes.
Consequently
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, they can work daily and use the time effectively, leading them to progress
everyday
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every day
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 and follow the schedule. To illustrate, when learners become more consistent, they would not miss their classes and stay on schedule because they are able to manage time and make differences
throuhgh
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through
 daily work.
Thus
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, there is a strong relationship between consistency and progress
due to
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 acquired
discipline
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 throughout their training. In conclusion, since learning to play
team
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sports
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 has a great impact on
children
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's education, I firmly maintain that they can acquire significant
skills
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 that affects on their study performance and efficiency. Given that these
skills
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 make a difference during their studies, allowing them to become successful at school.

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task response
Give more direct and real examples. For example, say what one child learned from a football or basketball team, and how this helped in class.
task response
Some ideas are repeated. The points about discipline, daily work, progress, and time are very close. Add one new detail instead of saying progress many times.
task response
Make your main point more exact. Team sports can help education, but explain that they are one important part, not the only way children can learn these skills.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one idea. In the second body part, move from discipline to time use and class success in shorter, clearer steps.
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter sentences. Some long sentences have too many ideas, so the meaning is less clear. For example, split the sentence that starts with “Since education is pushing...” into two or three sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for key ideas. You write “team sports”, “team sport seasons”, “team activities”, and “training”. Choose “team sports” most of the time so the reader can follow your point more easily.
task response
You give a clear answer: you agree. You give two main ideas: team work and discipline.
task response
Your examples about school work, games, coaches, and time use are linked to your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as “One of the main reasons”, “Furthermore”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • social skills
  • communication
  • cooperation
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • commitment
  • punctuality
  • physical development
  • endurance
  • healthy competition
  • coping with losses
  • sense of belonging
  • community
  • self-esteem
  • leadership
  • strategic decisions
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