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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adult, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage?

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In
this
Linking Words
 modern era,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 is undeniable
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 developed countries have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 large
number
Use synonyms
 of
youngsters
Use synonyms
 compared to
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 can use technologies to develop their
nation
Use synonyms
 and help their elders in
household’s
Check wording
household
show examples
 work
while
Linking Words
 unemployment rate of the
nation
Use synonyms
 will get higher
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 companies will start replacing their old employees with
youngsters
Use synonyms
. In my opinion ,
this
Linking Words
 statement has more advantages than
its
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
disadvantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
, young
adults
Use synonyms
 are good
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 technology, and countries can grow rapidly with
Use synonyms
youngsters
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 help
.
Change preposition
of young people.
show examples
 To illustrate, these days, everything is based on technology
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
adults
Use synonyms
 are very good
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 technology because they started using it
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their childhood.
For instance
Linking Words
, as per a recent
reports
Fix the agreement mistake
report
show examples
 by the Department of
transportation
Capitalize the proper name
Transportation
show examples
, big firms
such
Linking Words
 as Honda
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 prefer to hire
youngsters
Use synonyms
 because they can easily fix their cars with the help of computers.
Secondly
Linking Words
, with
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
youngsters
Use synonyms
, every old
Use synonyms
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 will have
adult
Correct article usage
an adult
show examples
 with them, who can make their life easier by helping them
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
household’s
Check wording
household
show examples
 work.
Thus
Linking Words
, a higher
number
Use synonyms
 of
adults
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 good for nations.
However
Linking Words
, some individuals think that
unemployment
Correct article usage
the unemployment
show examples
Use synonyms
number
Check wording
rate
show examples
 will become higher in the
nation
Use synonyms
 because every youngster will want
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will raise the competition
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
youngsters
Use synonyms
. To clarify, by increasing the population of young
adults
Use synonyms
, it will
get hard
Verb problem
be harder
show examples
 for
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to create more jobs for
youngsters
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, some
youngsters
Use synonyms
 will not have
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 their skills will be
no
Change preposition
of no
show examples
 useful for nations.
For example
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 India unemployment rate is 60% because
this
Linking Words
nation
Use synonyms
 has
more
Correct word choice
a larger
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
youngsters
Use synonyms
, as the population of
this
Linking Words
 country was raised in
year
Correct article usage
the year
show examples
 2000.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Big companies will make older
people
Use synonyms
 jobless, and try to hire
youngster
Check wording
youngsters
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 will suffer through job crises. In the conclusion, countries will grow rapidly with the help of their
youngsters
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
also
Linking Words
 old
people
Use synonyms
 will have their
care taker
Correct your spelling
caretaker
 in their old age
despite
Punctuation problem
, despite
show examples
they will have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 other challenges. I think
this
Linking Words
 trend has more advantages than its advantages.

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task response
Score: 5. Your main view is clear, but some ideas are too wide or not fully shown. Explain more clearly why a young population helps a country grow, not only because young people use tech.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. The India job number and the Honda report may not be true or may be hard to believe. A simple made-up example is safer if you cannot show the source.
task response
Your last line has a key error: “more advantages than its advantages.” Write “more advantages than disadvantages.” This is very important because it states your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The order is easy to see, but some links are not smooth. For example, the first body part moves from tech to house work for old people very fast. Add a short link to show why the new point matters.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. Body 1 can be about work and growth. Body 2 can be about care for old people. Then use another body part for job loss, or join job loss with a clear contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point follow this order: point, why, example, result. This will make your writing easier to read and your ideas stronger.
task response
You answer the main question and give a clear view: the good points are greater than the bad points.
task response
You give both sides: growth and help for old people, then jobs and job loss.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result” help the reader follow your ideas.
Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic trend
  • dependency ratio
  • workforce sustainability
  • economic burden
  • innovation
  • technological advancement
  • cultural dynamism
  • social changes
  • education and training
  • infrastructure strain
  • employment opportunities
  • youth unemployment
  • investment in youth
  • productive workforce
  • aging population
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