IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents buy their children a lot of toys to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
In many families,
children
Use synonyms
 are provided with a considerable number of
toys
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as traditional dolls, cars and electronic games.
Although
Linking Words
 having a wide range of
toys
Use synonyms
 supports
children
Use synonyms
’s development and serves to entertain them, lots of
toys
Use synonyms
 may
also
Linking Words
 have negative consequences. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will touch on both the benefits and drawbacks of
this
Linking Words
 trend.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, having many
toys
Use synonyms
 can contribute to a child’s not only cognitive, but
also
Linking Words
 creative development. Different types of
toys
Use synonyms
 encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to develop their different skills, which reflects itself in their general comprehension and outlook by playing
legos
Change preposition
with Lego
show examples
, puzzles and building blocks.
For example
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 these kinds of
toys
Use synonyms
 enhance
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 skills and logical thinking, art- painting or drawing stimulates
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
creativity and imagination.
Additionally
Linking Words
, by having lots of
toys
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 have the right to opt for various activities
according to
Linking Words
 their
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
, being independent and confident in making decisions.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, with the help of having a number of
toys
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 can share them with others and accelerate
communication
Correct determiner usage
their communication
show examples
 skills.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, an excessive number of
toys
Use synonyms
 may have some disadvantages, too. First of all, when
children
Use synonyms
 have too many options to choose
Use synonyms
toys
Change preposition
from toys
show examples
, they tend to concentrate
hardly
Rephrase
less
show examples
 or
distract
Wrong verb form
be distracted
show examples
 easily.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they may quickly lose their interest and move from one to another. The next drawback is that having a lot of
of
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
toys
Use synonyms
 may cause less appreciation of their belongings and become
spoilt
Replace the word
spoiled
. By playing with too many
toys
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 can create a messy environment, which makes it harder for them to
organize
Change the spelling
organise
show examples
 their possessions. In conclusion, possessing a plethora of
toys
Use synonyms
 can benefit
children
Use synonyms
 by boosting creativity and cognitive abilities,
Linking Words
whereas
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 may
reduce
Rephrase
also reduce
show examples
 concentration and
lack
Verb problem
lead to a lack
show examples
 of appreciation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clearer main idea in each body part. For example, say how toys help the child, then explain why this is good. For the bad side, say how too many toys can make the child lose focus, then give one clear example.
task response
Your ideas answer both parts well, but some points need more support. The idea about sharing toys is good, but explain how this helps the child talk and play with other children.
task response
Use more exact words for the result. Instead of "become spoilt", write "they may not value what they have". This is clearer and more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan. Make the link inside each part smoother by using simple links such as "For example", "As a result", and "This means".
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. For example, change "when children have too many options to choose toys" to "when children have too many toys to choose from".
coherence and cohesion
Avoid too many ideas in one sentence. Write shorter sentences, especially when you explain a point. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
task response
You answer both the good and bad sides of having many toys.
task response
You give useful good points: learning, creative play, choice, and sharing. You also give clear bad points: less focus, less care for toys, and mess.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well planned: introduction, good side, bad side, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as "To begin with", "On the other hand", "Moreover", and "In conclusion".
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
    What to do next:
    Look at other essays: