IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that engaging in handheld electronic gaming can yield negative consequences for
individuals
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 and their surrounding communities. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because it directly affects
individuals
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' physical
health
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 and mental well-being. First and foremost, the primary reason why I support
this
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 view is that playing
games
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 on portable
devices
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 causes significant
health
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issues
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 for
individuals
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. When
people
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 have the opportunity to play
games
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 on handheld
devices
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, they spend more time engaging with the
games
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.
As a result
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, they suffer from severe
health
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issues
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.
For example
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,
recently
Punctuation problem
recently,
show examples
 most
individuals
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 spend longer hours playing
games
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 on their portable
devices
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. They eventually lose their sight and need to use spaces at an early age.
Furthermore
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, it not only affects their sight but
also
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 causes obesity as they spend longer hours sitting or lying on the beds.
This
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 can substantially cause heart
issues
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 and mobility
issues
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.
Thus
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, it is significant to acknowledge that
health
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issues
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 can be caused by playing
games
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 on portable
devices
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.
Moreover
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, it is crucial to acknowledge that portable
devices
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 used for gaming can cause significant mental
health
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 disturbances. To elaborate,
individuals
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 spend most of their leisure time playing
games
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 on handheld
devices
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, which makes them isolated from society.
As a result
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, they gain weight from spending hours playing
games
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.
For instance
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, young
people
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 and adults spend a significant amount of time playing mobile
games
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. They often lose their concentration on studies and
the
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in the
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 workplace.
Additionally
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,
people
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 get fewer opportunities for physical activity as they prefer
games
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 on their portable
devices
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. These attitudes substantially affect wider communities, as
individuals
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 find it difficult to meet
people
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 in society, since most of them prefer playing
games
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 on handheld
devices
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.
Therefore
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, it is crucial to understand the negative impact of playing
games
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 on portable
devices
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as an
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for
show examples
 entertainment. In conclusion, playing
games
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 on portable
devices
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 significantly impacts
individuals
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 and surrounding communities, and I strongly reiterate my agreement with
this
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 view, as
this
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 affects
people
Use synonyms
's physical and mental well-being.

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task response
Explain the harm to society more fully. Most of your ideas are about the player. Add clear effects on family, friends, school, work, or local groups.
task response
Make each example more exact and believable. For example, say how too much gaming may lead to less sleep, less time with family, or poor work results.
task response
Avoid repeating the same point about weight and sitting for a long time. Use the space to add a new idea, such as game use causing less face-to-face talk.
task response
The point about losing sight is too strong. Say that long screen time can cause eye strain or may hurt eye health, rather than saying people lose their sight.
task response
Use the right word in “need to use spaces at an early age.” You likely mean “need to wear glasses at an early age.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the second main paragraph focus on one clear idea. It starts with mental health, but then moves back to weight and physical activity. Keep it about isolation, poor focus, and less social contact.
coherence and cohesion
Show the link between ideas more clearly. For example: “Because they spend less time with others, they may feel alone and find it harder to build real-life relationships.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “it is crucial/significant to acknowledge” many times. Use direct topic sentences instead, such as “Portable gaming can also harm social life.”
coherence and cohesion
Your ending is clear, but it mostly repeats the opening. Briefly restate the two reasons and the effect on society in fresh words.
task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same: you agree that portable gaming can be harmful.
task response
You give two main reasons, health and mental well-being, and both are linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two main paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words such as “First and foremost”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
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