Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on children. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on how children behave. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, television and computer games play a big role in
children
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's lives. Multiple
people
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believe that watching
violence
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affect on
children
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's minds.
While
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others think it does not affect them.
This
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essay will examine both sides and the way they think
Violence
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has a bad influence on the way
children
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behave.
First,
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watching that
violence
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at a young age makes them scared.
For example
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, they think they may face
violence
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too , like hurting them.
Moreover
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, they will be scared of their parents and friends.
Second,
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children
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may become depressed. Watching
this
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violence
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will make them accept the worst from other
people
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.
In addition
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, they will become lonely and prefer to be alone.
Finally
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, it may lead
children
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to be violent.
For example
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, they may copy what they watched.
Also
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, they may be angry all the time.
However
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, some
people
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think
violence
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does not have a bad influence on
children
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. Those
people
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think they will become stronger. They think that
children
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will learn how to defend themselves.
Moreover
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, it can prepare them for life. Other
people
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think that
violence
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does not affect
children
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. They believe that
children
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will not remember when they grow up.
Furthermore
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, they think that
children
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do not understand anything in life. Some
people
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are careless and irresponsible.
For example
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, they believe it is fine to make their
children
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watch whatever they want.
Moreover
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, they do not have awareness or knowledge. In conclusion, it is clear to see that some
people
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believe that
violence
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on television and computer games affect on
children
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badly.
However
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, others ignore or deny the bad influences. I strongly agree that
violence
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damages
children
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's lives.

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task response
Explain each view more fully. The second view says violence can make children stronger, but this idea needs a clearer reason and a real example.
task response
Give more specific examples. For example, describe a child who copies a game fight at school, or a child who learns that game violence is not real.
task response
Your own view is clear, but add it before the end too. Then show why you think the bad effects are stronger than the other view.
task response
Avoid ideas about parents being careless unless you clearly link them to the two views in the question. Keep the focus on how screen violence affects children.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point. In the first body part, fear, sadness, and anger are three different points, so explain each one with a short reason or example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: “People who worry about screen violence say that children may copy what they see.”
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. “They will become stronger” and “children do not understand anything in life” need a clearer link to the claim that violence has no bad effect.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer repeated words such as “violence”, “children”, and “think”. You can use “violent shows”, “games”, “young people”, and “this view” when the meaning is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form in key lines. Write “watching violence affects children’s minds”, not “watching violence affect on children’s minds”. Write “has a bad effect on children”, not “affect on children badly”.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly at the end.
task response
Your main ideas are linked to the topic, such as fear, sadness, and copying violent acts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “First”, “Moreover”, “However”, and “In conclusion” to show the order of ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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