IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on children. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on how children behave. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Introduction
The impact of
media
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violence
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 on young minds is a subject of intense debate.
While
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 some argue that aggressive content in television programs and video games severely harms
children
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, others believe its influence is negligible.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before explaining why I believe
media
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violence
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 poses a genuine risk to adolescent behaviour
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, opponents of the
media
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-damage theory argue that screen entertainment is merely a form of harmless escapism. They primarily believe that
children
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 can easily distinguish between fictional
violence
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 and real-world interactions.
Furthermore
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, modern psychologists often highlight the "catharsis theory," which suggests that virtual combat allows youth to release pent-up frustration in a safe, simulated environment. From
this
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 perspective, playing a violent game or watching an action movie serves as a healthy emotional outlet rather than a catalyst for real-world hostility.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there is compelling evidence that consistent exposure to violent
media
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 desensitises
children
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.
First,
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young people who repeatedly witness aggressive acts on screen begin to view
violence
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 as a normal mechanism for conflict resolution.
For instance
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, numerous psychological studies demonstrate that
children
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 who play first-person shooter games exhibit higher levels of immediate physical aggression and reduced empathy toward peers.
Moreover
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,
children
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 naturally learn through imitation. Witnessing rewarded aggression in virtual worlds can easily translate into bullying and behavioural issues in the playground.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 some view
media
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violence
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 as benign entertainment that promotes emotional release, I believe it acts as a dangerous blueprint for aggressive behaviour. In my opinion, the negative influence of
media
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violence
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 cannot be dismissed.
While
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 a stable child might not become a criminal overnight, continuous exposure gradually erodes their moral filters and normalises aggression

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task response
Make your support more exact. The line about “numerous psychological studies” is strong, but it does not name or explain one study. Give one clear example, such as a child seeing fighting as the best way to solve a problem after playing games for many hours each day.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims. “Easily translate into bullying” and “dangerous blueprint” sound certain. Say that media violence can raise the risk, especially when a child has little help from parents or school.
task response
The first side could be developed a little more. Explain why some children may watch violent shows without copying them, for example because adults talk with them about what is real and what is not.
coherence and cohesion
Your last sentence is cut off by the missing full stop. Always check that every sentence ends clearly.
coherence and cohesion
A few long sentences carry many ideas at once. Split them into two shorter sentences when you explain a key point. This will make your meaning even easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use links only when they add meaning. You already use many good links, so you can also let some ideas flow with simple sentence order rather than adding another linking phrase.
task response
You discuss both views and make your own view very clear. Your main ideas stay on the topic.
task response
You give useful reasons for each side, such as the idea that games may help children let out anger and the idea that children may copy what they see.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, one paragraph for each view, and a closing paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “Moreover” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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