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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 modern era, it is undeniable that
people
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 need some interesting things to do in their stressful lives. Some individuals believe that
games
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 on portable
devices
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 can be lethal to
people
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 who play them in society. I totally agree with
this
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 statement, and in
this
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 essay, I will explain my thoughts with some examples.
Firstly
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, every individual who plays digital
games
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 on smart
devices
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 can suffer from health issues. To elaborate,
people
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 who are addicted to these digital
games
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 take their
devices
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 everywhere, which affects their eye sights get effect, and they always think only about
games
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 , which makes them mentally ill.
For instance
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, as per a recent report by the Department of Medical Science India, 45% of
people
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 go into trauma every year because they play
games
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 excessively, and when they lose
games
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, they only start thinking about
games
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, which leads to them suffering from diseases.
Secondly
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, children mostly ruin their future careers by playing these
games
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 on portable
devices
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 because when they play
games
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, they get distracted from their studies, and they only think about
games
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. To clarify, children need time to study, during which they can think about their career and make their plan
according to
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 their aims, but they waste their precious years in useless
games
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 on portable
devices
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while
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 sitting together.
As a result
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, they ruin their career with little
devices
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.
For example
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, the PUB G game was very famous among students , and most of them came into debt after gambling a lot of money on it.
As a result
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, they ruined their careers. In conclusion,
games
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 on smart
devices
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 are dangerous for
people
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.
Due to
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 these
games
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,
people
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 can suffer from health issues
such
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 as mental illness and
also
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, students can ruin their careers by getting addicted to these
games
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 on smart
devices
Use synonyms

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task response
Your main view is clear, but the word “lethal” means “able to kill”. Your ideas show harm, not death. Say that these games can be harmful, mainly when people play too much.
task response
Make your reasons more exact. Health harm can include poor sleep, eye strain, less exercise, and stress. Explain how too much game time causes each problem.
task response
Be careful with facts such as “45% of people go into trauma”. This is a very big claim, and it is not well explained. Use a simple, real-life example instead, or give a source that you are sure is true.
task response
The point about children and careers is too strong. Playing games does not always ruin a career. Explain that too much gaming may take time from study, sleep, and family life.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each body part. In the first body part, write only about health. In the second, write only about school and future work.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be clearer. For example, after saying that children waste time, explain the result: they may do less school work and get lower marks.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as “they only think about games”. Use one clear sentence, then add a new reason or example.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple, direct topic sentences. For example: “Too much gaming can harm health.” Then explain this idea and give one fitting example.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep this view in the whole essay. You give two main reasons: health problems and harm to children's school and work plans.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, first reason, second reason, and end. Words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
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