IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory in high school programmes (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood, or teaching sports to younger children). Do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that volunteering should be made part of the school curriculum.
This
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 essay agrees with the notion completely because it helps students develop motor skills and helps them gain much-needed
work
Use synonyms
 experience. Education should not be solely limited to academic pursuits
,
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;
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 rather
than
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,
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 developing other life skills,
such
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 as teamwork, empathy and
self-discipline
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self-discipline,
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 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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one of the best ways to improve these aptitudes
among
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through
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 community service. Serving those
which
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who
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 are less educated than ourselves teaches us many lessons, including how to
work
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 with people from different backgrounds and the value of hard
work
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,
thus
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 enabling us to hone these skills before becoming
an adult
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adults
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.
For example
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, many young people from wealthier countries take a gap year and help those less fortunate people than us to increase their gratitude for what they have and improve their
work
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 ethic. Many colleges and companies are
also
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 increasingly looking for
this
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 type of experience. Most school leavers have the same grades, and charitable
work
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 can help set you apart from other students when making college applications.
For example
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,
Cambrige
Correct your spelling
Cambridge
 and Oxford
receives
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receive
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 thousands of applications from
toppers
Correct your spelling
top
 students yearly and can only accept a small percentage of applicants. What
have
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has
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 to
done
Verb problem
be done
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 outside the classroom often differentiates you from everyone else and gets you that covered spot. In conclusion, teenagers should be made to indulge in unpaid
work
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 as a part of their schooling because it will help them learn things
which
Correct pronoun usage
that they
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 would not
originally learning
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normally learn
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 from their teachers, and it will boost their chances of getting admission in high-ranked institutions.

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task response
Make the first reason match the topic more closely. “Motor skills” is not then explained, and it does not fit well with most kinds of community work. Use skills such as team work, care for others, and work habits instead.
task response
Explain why schools should make this work a must, not only why it is useful. For example, say that all students, not just those who choose to help, can learn from it.
task response
Develop each example more. In the first example, show what young people do, what they learn, and how this helps them at school or later in life.
task response
Be careful with the Oxford and Cambridge example. It is too broad and may not be true for every student. Say that this kind of work can help an application, but grades and other things still matter.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because too many ideas are put together. Split long sentences into two or three short sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. For example, after saying school is not only about study, clearly state that community work gives students a real place to practise these skills.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “these aptitudes” and “this type of experience” when the reader may not know exactly what they mean. Name the skill or experience again.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point of view. Do not move between “students”, “you”, “us”, and “ourselves”. Choose “students” for most of the essay.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view to the end. You give two main reasons: life skills and help with college or work.
task response
Your examples are linked to your main points. The example about work with people in need supports the first body part.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two body parts, and end. Each body part has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear link words such as “For example”, “thus”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fosters
  • social responsibility
  • sense of community
  • practical experience
  • precursor
  • professional development
  • infringes
  • unnecessary strain
  • demanding schedules
  • bridge the gap
  • foster a culture
  • integration
  • feasibility
  • genuine engagement
  • broader perspective
  • societal issues
  • active, informed citizens
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