IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that people should be required to retire from their careers at a certain age. Others believe that people should be allowed to work as long as they like. Discuss both these views, and give your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Retiring from
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 earlier or later is always a matter of argument. Some argue that there is a specific
time
Use synonyms
 to get retired,
while
Linking Words
 others contend that
this
Linking Words
 should be anyone's personal choice whether they want to stop their job. I
strogly
Correct your spelling
strongly
 believe that
this
Linking Words
 should be
voluntary
Correct article usage
a voluntary
show examples
 option for everyone
not
Punctuation problem
, not
show examples
 a forceful societal norm. I will discuss both perspectives in
this
Linking Words
 essay below. Talking about considering
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
 age and
time
Use synonyms
 to make a
fullstop
Correct your spelling
full stop
 on their career
life
Use synonyms
 offers various benefits to
people
Use synonyms
. The primary
adavantage
Correct your spelling
advantage
 is
individuals
Correct word choice
that individuals
show examples
 have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to enjoy their
life
Use synonyms
.
as
Capitalize the proper name
As
show examples
 we see in
this
Linking Words
fast pace
Replace the word
fast-paced
life
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 often get busy
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
earning money that they do not even
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 quality
time
Use synonyms
 with their family. There are
such
Linking Words
 scenarios where
people
Use synonyms
 even
do
Verb problem
work
show examples
 overtime to have financial stability in future,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 costs their present on stake.
As a result
Linking Words
, they not only have
distant
Verb problem
been distant
show examples
 from their loved ones, but
also
Linking Words
 have some health issues because they have been working and having sedentary lifestyles.
Therefore
Linking Words
, retiring early can help them to restore their relationships and health
too
Punctuation problem
, too
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, everyone has their
their
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
own ways to live
life
Use synonyms
 and not all have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 mindset. Some
people
Use synonyms
 are so disciplined and goal-focused that they can easily
make
Verb problem
strike
show examples
 a healthy balance
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 their work and personal
life
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 balance helps them to keep going forward, and they easily
priortize
Correct your spelling
prioritise
 their mental
well being
Correct your spelling
well-being
. Quitting
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 is not an option in their
life
Use synonyms
 until and unless
this
Linking Words
 really demanding.
Hence
Linking Words
, for these
people
Use synonyms
 it should be a free will to choose whether they want to continue work or need a break to settle
Correct article usage
a
show examples
few things. In conclusion, both viewpoints
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 their own pros and cons, yet everyone should be responsible for their decisions in their
life
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 will give them room to rethink and make their
decision making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
 skills
more strong
Replace the word
stronger
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 with
Use synonyms
time
Punctuation problem
time,
show examples
 they learn to maintain a healthy balance in their corporate and family world.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Develop both views more fully. The first view is about a set age for all workers, but your paragraph mainly explains the good points of leaving work early. Explain why a set age may help jobs open for young people, or why some work may be hard for older people.
task response
Add one clear, real-life example for each main point. For example, say that a nurse or builder may need to stop at a set age because the work is hard on the body. Then show how a healthy teacher may want to keep working.
task response
Make your own view more exact. You support free choice, but you could say that there may be limits for work where safety is very important, such as driving or flying.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one idea. In the first body part, start with the reason for a set retirement age, then explain it, and then give an example before moving to health and family.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between sentences. For example: “This is because...”, “For this reason...”, and “For example...”. Do not use “Therefore” unless the sentence before it clearly leads to the result.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and more direct. State your view again, then give one main reason. The ideas about learning decision skills and the corporate world are not needed for the ending.
coherence and cohesion
Check repeated or unclear words. For example, use “work” or “career” in a clear way, and avoid repeating “their their” or using “full stop” as a noun in this context.
task response
You discuss both sides and clearly give your own view. Your main idea is clear: people should be free to choose when to stop work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “On the other hand”, “Consequently”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
task response
Your points about family time, health, work-life balance, and personal choice are relevant to the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory retirement
  • rejuvenate
  • stagnation
  • innovation
  • physical labor
  • cognitive demands
  • discriminates
  • peak of productivity
  • creativity
  • leadership abilities
  • pension savings
  • financial insecurity
  • quality of life
What to do next:
Look at other essays: