IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermatkets in the area. How does this effect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

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Introduction
In recent years, numerous small, local
shops
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 have been closing
due to
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 the competition with large
supermarkets
Use synonyms
, as they do not have the potential to compete with them.
This
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 essay will explore how
this
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 phenomenon affects local citizens and suggest how
this
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 situation could be improved.
Body paragraph 1
It is obvious that the loss of small markets has negative outcomes for individuals.
Firstly
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, their closing is able to affect families’ budgets adversely, as families have to go to the
supermarkets
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, where overpriced
products
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 are commonplace.
Secondly
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,
supermarkets
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 are usually located in the city
centre
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, so citizens who live far from the
centre
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,
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apply
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 have to spend petrol and fuel, which
also
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 blows their budget.
In addition
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, local
products
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, which are absolutely natural and were grown in the owners’ gardens, are usually sold in small
shops
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. In the case of their loss, people miss the opportunity to buy natural
products
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.
Body paragraph 2
To tackle
this
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 issue, the owners of these
shops
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 are able to make prices more affordable compared to the
supermarkets
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.
Likewise
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, they can suggest discounts on certain types of food,
for example
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, on dairy
products
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.
This
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 suggestion is likely to increase the interest of the consumers immediately.
Moreover
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, it will be much more beneficial if small
shops
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 are opened in certain areas, which are far from the city
centre
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, as there will be no competition. The customers would prefer to purchase
products
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 from the market, which is near their house, rather than in
supermarkets
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 in the city
centre
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the closing of local
shops
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 has significant effects on local people’s lives, including a blow to the budget and the probability of losing good local
products
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.
However
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, by changing the location of these
shops
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 and making prices more affordable compared to the
supermarkets
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, local small
shops
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 could tackle
this
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 issue immediately.

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task response
Make the effects on the whole local area clearer, not only on each family. For example, say that when small shops close, local jobs may go, streets may feel less active, and old or poor people may find it hard to travel far.
task response
Check that each claim is true in most cases. Large supermarkets are often cheaper, not more costly. A better point is that people may spend more on travel, or may have fewer nearby choices.
task response
Give a fuller plan for improvement. Shop owners can sell local food, give better service, offer home delivery, or work with other small shops. The local government can also cut tax or give help with rent.
task response
Add one short, real-like example to make your ideas stronger. For example: “A small shop near a bus stop can help old people who cannot go to a large store far away.”
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need more support. After each main point, explain why it happens and what it means for local people. This will make the body parts feel more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between cause and result. For example: “As a result, people who do not have a car may find it hard to buy food.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying that there will be “no competition” if a shop is far from the city centre. There may still be other shops or online stores. Say that competition may be less strong instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats the main points well, but do not say the problem could be solved “immediately”. Use “over time” or “more easily” because this change may take time.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You explain how shop loss can affect people, and you give ways to help small shops.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: cost, travel, and local food. Your help ideas are also clear: lower prices, sales, and shops near homes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Each part has a clear job.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “In addition”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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